Tech talk: How to fix a fucking iPhone

Is your iPhone acting like a fucker? Apps locking up, battery not holding a fucking charge? Follow these fucking instructions and that piece of shit should be back to normal.

Apps not working, crashing, or won’t update:

If the fucking apps on the cock sucker are all fucked up then try this:

Delete the shitty app and reinstall the piece of shit. If this doesn’t work, try a quick reset on the fucking thing by pressing the home screen button (that little circle piece of shit on the bottom ) and the power bottom at the same time, hold them fucking things for like 10 seconds.

Make sure the iPhone is updated with the latest IOS, Apple likes to release these fucking updates like 10-15 times a week so deal with that too please.

If the above methods don’t work then consider one of the following:

Either throw the fucking thing away and call your insurance company and tell them a couple Mexicans stole it from your  fucking car, that way them fuckers will get you a new one.

Or.

Bring it to the Apple Store where some 14 year old “Genius” will make you feel like a big time cunt for bothering them with such a mundane question. 

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Fake Craigslist ad of the week April 5 2016

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Where da white girlz at? M4w Roxbury

Yo’ listen to dis shit, ima be reelz I’m like 2 fitty shoulda been a pro baller then I caught this felony bullshit. I’m looking for a white girl wit dat plump ass, and some big ol’titties. My dream shorty is like fitty pacent Kim Kardashian and fitty pacent Adele, and fitty pacent J-Lo, and fitty pacent That old white bitch that cooks food.

Yo catch this rhyme girl, I made it for you:

I’m dat dude wit the biggest debt

Don’t be hating we ain’t met,

Imma stick my tongue in yo ass

I’m a real player straight outta mass

You can give me a handy and all dat shit

You say I gots to wear a rubber

I’m yo hood rat lover

And you gone make a nice single momma

Are motorcycles safer than airplanes?

Todd Binkleman of the Harley Institute believes motorcycles are a safer mode of travel than an airliner.  He cites the following facts:  Plane crashes on average kill over 200 people, whereas motorcycle crashes result in an average of .7 people getting killed.  He also pointed out that a plane crash can result in residual damage to property as debris lands on houses and local area businesses.  “A motorcycle,” he stated matter of factly, “is already on the ground, it doesn’t fall per se; in fact the only the thing that is airborne is the operator, but he’s usually flying through the air dead already, so his landing spot is no big deal.”  We quickly pointed out that his facts had some merit, but that the number of airplane crashes is substantially fewer in number than the amount of motorcycle crashes.  In fact, as we pointed this out to Todd, a stoned-out biker flew by us, smashed into a retaining wall and exploded on impact.  It was ironic and hilarious at the same time.  Todd responded to our points by saying, “You can’t look at it that way; things crash and that is that; you just have to choose what kills less people, so I strongly suggest people buy more motorcycles and fly less.  At the very least, I think the airlines should rip out all the seating and replace them with motorcycles.  If the plane is going to crash, the airline can at least give the passengers the option of opening the emergency door and getting sucked out into the atmosphere on a bike.”

SELF HELP BOOKS COMING OUT THIS MONTH

Fileting your murder victim, a Beginner’s Guide

Bank Robbing for Dummies

How to avoid terror attacks while vacationing in Pakistan

Buttscrewing Uncle Sam: Cheating on your taxes, an American’s Guide To Simple Wealth

The Evolution of the Fart

New Reality Show coming soon- Beat Down

The show’s premise is very simple, 10 nerds are locked in a biker bar during Harley week.  The are allowed to dress up as bikers to mix in, but the shirt they don has to say, “I hate bikers and if anyone has anything to say, you can lick my ass, dick and taint.”  The object is to escape the bar without getting Beat Down.  There is a door to make a quick exit, but it is locked.  The key to the door is located up the rectum of a Hell’s Angel’s leader, who is currently passed out drunk on a pool table, underneath a 300 pound hooker with hemophilia, and a wasted, coked out chimpanzee who has already killed four people in the last six weeks.

Fun things to do on whale watch

When the guide yells over the intercom, “Whales at 2 o’clock” point at your watch and tell all the clueless old folks, “Hey, it’s 1:15, let’s get a drink, we have plenty of time.”

When everyone rushes over to check out a whale, stare at the fattest person in the group and remark, “Wow that thing is gi -%$F$- normous.  It really does have a humped back, doesn’t it.” Take several pictures of that person’s ass and remark, “People are not going to believe this!”

Walk up to random families and say, “Hi I’m Horace, your guide for the trip.  Did you receive your harpoon yet?  The harpoon throwing area is in the aft section of the boat, just down a click from the stern.  Our policy on the boat is we eat what we kill.  Enjoy your meal folks.”

When a whale blows water out of its hole and wets some people, approach them.  “As your guide, I just want to apologize on behalf of the whales.  It’s their masturbation period, and they get excited when people watch.  That one there is a real shooter.  Now, a few facts about whale cum that you might find interesting……

 

Subway pitchman Fogle beaten in prison

Disgraced former Subway pitchman Jared Fogle was left bloodied in a prison fight by a fellow inmate, reports surfaced Wednesday.

There are no reports as of yet whether Subway will use the photos of a beaten Fogle to advertise their new “Bloody Red Roast Beef Footlong.”  Subway is also rumored to be considering the inmate who beat Fogle to be the new spokesman for the Roundhouse Chop Sandwich or the Black Eyed Steak Sub.

The incident occurred when Steven J. Nigg, whose name is two letters short of being very offensive and whose middle initial stands for Jiggaboo, 60, wanted to draw attention to the number of prisoners at the minimum-security prison in Colorado who are serving sentences for sexually based offenses, his family said.  Despite yesterdays efforts, no one currently knows the number.

It was reported by TMZ that Nigg (again, we are using his name and mean no offense to African Americans)  attacked Fogle in a prison yard in late January and that Nigg (this is what it says on his birth certificate, swear unto the Lord)  “pushed Fogle down and then Nigg (it’s almost becoming a running joke here, but we have the documents to prove this) unloaded a barrage of punches to Fogle’s face.”  It is unclear from the photos whether or not the sexually deviant Fogle was able to achieve orgasm during the beating.

In a related story, Steven  J. Nigg is considering changing his name to Stephen C.  Unt.

 

5 Fun Ways to Kill Yourself

Overdose on Skittles

Drink 14 gallons of toilet water

Read War and Peace until your head explodes

Walk into any black neighborhood and begin referring to everyone as my N-g%$R.  The world record is 3

Walk into a biker bar and inquire, “Which one of you queers parked your tricycle in my spot?”

 

Five movies that should have had sequels or prequels

  1. Weekend at Bernies. We all saw the sequel but a prequel that shows what Bernie did everyday leading up to his death would have been useful.
  2. Schindler’s List. I think a sequel to show what all the saved Jews did with their lives would have been watchable.
  3. Saving Private Ryan. A sequel to this one showing Private Ryan’s son during Vietnam would have been cool.
  4. Cool Runnings. I really want to know what happened to the Jamaican Bobsled team after the olympics.
  5. The Wizard of Oz. A sequel showing Dorothy giving birth to twin tin babies and how she had to struggle bringing them up would be clutch.