Day after day you end up having to do the same old shit; we here at the Beantown Beatdown have come up with five life hacks that will forever Change your life.
1.Instead of scraping ice off your car window do this instead:
Purchase a house with an attached garage. This is handy in the winter as you don’t have to worry about snow or ice. And as a bonus you can run the car in the garage to commit suicide when you’re trying to do # 2 on this list.
2. Instead of fumbling with fitted sheets, do this instead:
Burn your house down. More people commit suicide over fitted sheets than any other problem facing society.
3. Instead of divorcing your wife and leaving your kid torn forever between the two of you do this instead….
Move to Florida, where she will either be raped or murdered or both… FACT: Florida sucks balls.
4. Cable and Internet are for rich people, here’s how to get around it:
Log in to a wifi hotspot, or just ask your neighbor questions like: where they went to school, or their least favorite car. Then guess their password.
Find out which one of your relatives has the best cable package and ask for their info so you can log in and stream shit fo’ free.
5. Buy regular milk instead of milk in a sunblock container.
Your milk really shouldn’t see the sun if you have a properly working refrigerator in your house. You can save upwards of 25¢ per gallon as long as you do in fact have a refrigerator. If for some reason you want to take a gallon of milk to the beach in August than by all means shell out the extra quarter.
Mike Bergin of Malden, has become an overnight internet sensation after a video he posted to Facebook went viral.
In the video, Mike and his friend Jay Foster come across a saltwater sunfish (these are not that rare) the video itself is completely hilarious for several reasons.
Within the first minute and a half Mike says “it’s a fucking sea turtle.” Followed 10 seconds later by “it’s a baby fucking whale.” (It appears Jay thought so and convinced Mike) then, “I don’t know what the fuck that is kid, what the fuck is that thing?” Dominated about 90% of the next minute, followed by “it’s hurt Jay, we gotta save it!” Mike convinced Jay that they needed to help the sunfish, then for some strange reason Jay said “it’s a flounder” followed by Mike telling Jay, “we gotta catch that fucking thing are you fucking kidding me?” And “Jay that things dying, tell me that ain’t good meat on that fish kid…are you shitting me?
As an avid fisherman, my response to watching this video and Mikes reaction to the sunfish was akin to someone who saw a squirrel and was describing a wolverine and thinking they found Bigfoot.
As I was killing time cruising the inter-web I found numerous items for sale that made me wonder who decided we needed these, and who the fuck decided to make them.
I know a lot of great products may have started off looking a bit ridiculous, like the frisbee or hula hoop, but seriously take a look at these gems.
What the fuck!! The name of this thing kind of eludes to it being made in China; too many adjectives “Portable female women’s” as opposed to the “Stationary male women’s” but I guess “Super terrific happy girl piss time” was already taken so…
I honestly don’t know if humanity can survive another day without whatever the fuck this does:
what a bargain at only $1 huh…
Let me set the tone right for this next one.
You’ve been busting your ass all day at work, you really need to relax, nothing in the world would feel better than a…
Did you notice how this kinda looks like an electric version of the female piss thing? Me too.
I don’t think I’ve ever said to anyone ever in my life “Oh my god, my chin is killing me, if only there was a way to massage it.”
Have you ever wanted to shit and play golf at the same time? Look no further than this thing:
Okay folks that’s my list for this week, check back to see what else I find.
Leave a comment if you’ve ever bought or used one of these ridiculous items or if you have seen some other stupid shit that should have been listed.
I saw you at the most intimate time, we were both at the laundroMat in Chelsea. I was putting my clothes in the wash as you were putting yours in the dryer. You noticed that I was scrubbing shit stains out of my underwear and told me that the way the light from the exit sign hit the steel wool of the S.O.S.pad made my eyes look beautiful. I wish we had more time to talk, but I had just ruined more underwear.
Tell me what you said it smelled like I ate for lunch in your reply
Looking to hookUp and maybe ruin more underwear and some sheets.
P.S. I lent you 75¢ for fabric softener, and I need that back.
Donald Trump, the Republican front runner for the 2016 presidential race, has landed the much coveted ‘Gary Busey’ endorsement.
Busey, who is completely bat-shit crazy, announced his support for Trump during an interview with Fox News. As the nation awaits the much anticipated second Republican debate tonight, many wary Americans are still waiting to see who else endorses Trump. There is no word yet whether he will be receiving the ‘hat-trick’ of batshit people, which includes Ted Nugent, Jesse Ventura, and Gary Busey.
Busey not only has a giant following with the batshit crazy crowd but also like Trump he relates well to the precious ‘Retarded haircut’ crowd.
The Boston area Kleptomaniac’s Anonymous was kicked out of yet another facility.
For decades the group has struggled to maintain a relationship with other nonprofits and area businesses to hold their weekly support groups for those in need.
Their latest partner, The Museum of Fine Arts, has revoked their support after a series of missing items after each meeting. Head Kleptomaniac Eric ‘Sticky Fingers’ Gordon had this to say from the Monet room in his Chelsea home, “It seems like every place we go we get kicked out of, and it feels pretty damn discriminatory that they are blaming us for missing items.”
We asked Eric if he could please stop trying to take our iPad as we were conducting the interview. He replied, “See right there! you are blaming me for trying to steal something just because I have a horrible disease.”
We told Eric that we also wouldn’t feel too comfortable letting an alcoholic hold our drinks for us, and if he could please stop trying to take our i
Related: Beantown staff out one iPad, please be on the look out for Eric Gordon
International House of Pancakes has issued a press release concerning several changes at the beloved yet struggling restaurant chain.
Company spokeswoman Anne Jemima said, “As our company is starting to see conflict within the international pancake community, we will be changing the name to North American House of Pancakes.”
The chain has been over-run on several fronts in the Middle East by competing company Islamic Sausage in Scones, or ISIS.
In addition to the name change IHOP is also going to change its butter policy, “We are also changing the policy regarding butter distribution on pancakes and effective immediately we will stop using an ice cream scooper to apply butter to the pancakes,” said Jemima. “We don’t know whose idea it was in the first place and we have found it to be a gigantic loss of revenue to apply three ice cream scoops of butter to a stack of pancakes.”
Also included in the policy changes are the the banning of several flags which will no longer be displayed in the restaurants.
After several months of rising tensions and provocative moves by Moscow, including flying TU-95 Big Bear Bombers off both the east and west coast, and supplying the Assad regime with military support in Syria, all of which the U.S. has condemned. The U.S. is starting to unleash its fiercest warning to Russia since the Cold War: We will no longer accept mail order brides from Russia.
That’s right folks, the U.S. has informed the USPS, FedEx and, UPS that they can no longer deliver the Russian brides or any “propaganda” brochures that falsely advertise them and sell them.
We understand that it’s every fat losers dream of ordering a muscular, hairy female that can both out play them in hockey and bench press tractor trailers to come to the states and share their parents basement with them, but that dream is now in jeopardy.
Secretary of State John Kerry, whose face looks like a big toe, had this to say, “I love hairy European women just as much as anyone else, but until Moscow cuts back on its hostile actions, we need to do something drastic.”
Most of these mail order whores are from the Saint Petersburg area of Russia, and generally look like supermodels until they arrive in the U.S.; at which point they more or less resemble Sally Struthers (not the young one from All in the Family, the gross one from Children’s Miracle Network).
So for now all you horny fat losers will no longer be ordering Russian, you’ll have to settle for young Filipino boys.
In response to the embargo on mail order brides from Russia, Vladimir Putin issued the following statement, “Is ok US no want our beautiful girls, we can send to Canada.”
When reached for comment, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper said, “We would always backup any decision the U.S. has made in relation to Russia, and we also would not be accepting any Russia mail order brides, our country is already full of hairy smelly hockey playing women as well as a current overwhelming amount of smelly Muslims from the Middle East.”
On a recent road trip I found myself admiring all of the license plates of fellow road trippers. I saw plenty of other states represented as well as all the Canadian Provinces. Then I noticed something that nobody seems to care about.
Where are all the Mexican vacationers? I was on the road for over 12 hrs and didn’t see a single Mexican family on vacation. Do we have a bad reputation with our neighbors to the south? Do we not run ads to inform them of all the wonderful vacation destinations we have to offer?
I’ve been hearing lately that we need to build a wall around our border, I can’t agree more, we need to seal the massive influx of Canadians that are storming our beaches and ski resorts!
As far as Mexico goes we really need to look at running a serious ad campaign to start bringing in some Mexican families to see the US, and spend some of their hard earned Pesos.