The Patriots have taken on two worthy opponents thus far this season, with balls we assume are properly inflated, and have scored over 70 points. No one can explain it, we know they are cheating , said one player who did not want to be identified by his name, which is Aaron Williams. “But we can’t figure out what they are doing. We took every precaution in the books, swept the hotel for bugs, ripped up all our play sheets, spoke in hush tones near the locker room, yet we still can’t beat those sons of bitches.” Our staff dug deeper and figured out the secret to this season’s early success. Everyone is focused on the ball, and how much air in the ball, and all the Spygate rumors, and they are forgetting what really determines who wins and loses. We rated all the players on all the teams, added up their values and divided by the number of players on the team. A mean value of 72 on a 100 scale would net you an average rating, or an 8-8 record. What we found was startling. There are 32 teams in the league, and 31 of them fucking suck.
So yes the Patriots could be cheating, perhaps they are spiking their Gatorade with California Chronic or using cleats that have longer studs than are allowed or are smearing their jerseys with Brady’s sperm. But it is the other 31 teams, who instead of trying to catch the Patriots in some untoward act, should be bending every rule in the book to win a game. The Pats played the Bills yesterday. The Bills know the Pats push the envelope with the rules. The Bills committed 14 penalties, yet none of the penalties resulted in a Patriots player’s death. Murder is not listed in the NFL rules glossary. We looked it up, there is no mention of it. The Bills had the entire Patriots team right there in front of them, and failed to kill or even maim any of them. I should mention the word spree is not in the book either, so when the Bills complain the Pats have a lot of weapons, well, you could have eliminated all of them with a small suitcase nuke, a term which I guarantee you is not in the rule book. The Bills also never used any automobiles on the field of play. Again, no mention of the word automobile in the NFL rule book, so why not drive your Buick out there and chase some Patriots corners around with your fucking car?? Until these teams figure this stuff out, the Pats are going to roll.