Patriots Cheating Again?

The Patriots have taken on two worthy opponents thus far this season, with balls we assume are properly inflated, and have scored over 70 points.  No one can explain it, we know they are cheating , said one player who did not want to be identified by his name, which is Aaron Williams.  “But we can’t figure out what they are doing. We took every precaution in the books, swept the hotel for bugs, ripped up all our play sheets, spoke in hush tones near the locker room, yet we still can’t beat those sons of bitches.” Our staff dug deeper and figured out the secret to this season’s early success.  Everyone is focused on the ball, and how much air in the ball, and all the Spygate rumors, and they are forgetting what really determines who wins and loses.  We rated all the players on all the teams, added up their values and divided by the number of players on the team.  A mean value of 72 on a 100 scale would net you an average rating, or an 8-8 record.  What we found was startling.  There are 32 teams in the league, and 31 of them fucking suck.

So yes the Patriots could be cheating, perhaps they are spiking their Gatorade with California Chronic or using cleats that have longer studs than are allowed or are smearing their jerseys with Brady’s sperm.  But it is the other 31 teams, who instead of trying to catch the Patriots in some untoward act, should be bending every rule in the book to win a game.  The Pats played the Bills yesterday.  The Bills know the Pats push the envelope with the rules.  The Bills committed 14 penalties, yet none of the penalties resulted in a Patriots player’s death.  Murder is not listed in the NFL rules glossary.  We looked it up, there is no mention of it.  The Bills had the entire Patriots team right there in front of them, and failed to kill or even maim any of them.  I should mention the word spree is not in the book either, so when the Bills complain the Pats have a lot of weapons, well, you could have eliminated all of them with a small suitcase nuke, a term which I guarantee you is not in the rule book.  The Bills also never used any automobiles on the field of play.  Again, no mention of the word automobile in the NFL rule book, so why not drive your Buick out there and chase some Patriots corners around with your fucking car??   Until these teams figure this stuff out, the Pats are going to roll.

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Goodell as the Messiah?

Embattled NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell plans to have his face lifted later this week.   He told us, “I can’t go out in public without being barraged by angry fans, so I’m going to change my appearance.   It’s relentless, when I travel to New England, all people do is make hissing noises, like the sound air makes when it comes out of a ball.  Then I travel to Baltimore, step into an elevator and whammo, I get knocked to the floor and then dragged outside the doors by thugs.  I went down south and a bunch of Dads cornered me in an alley and whipped me with a switch, then put a diaper on me and crammed my bleeding torso into a baby crib.  But the harshest was out in San Francisco, where I got anally wrecked in a hotel room.”  Curious, we asked, “What was the point of that?  The first three events match up with things that took place in the league regarding the team in that area; what message is taking it up the pipe in SF sending to anyone?”

Goodell seemed to stutter for a minute, then departed quickly.  His staff, stunned by the awkward situation, simply stated that, “Roger may have confused a night of rough sex with some league matters.”  We asked the staff to provide possible appearance changes that we might see on Roger once the face lift surgery is over.  The staff replied, “Hes’ going for the Jesus look.  Long hair, goatee, gentle nose, and a halo over his head.  He’s also going to lose the suit, and walk around in a robe and sandals.  He’ll still attend games, but instead of the press box, he’s going to hover over the stadium.  Every third day he will disappear, then he will reappear in a different city.  He’s also going to subsist on only bread and wine.  He thinks that will end the persecution.”  We spoke with several fans in New England, and they had this to say.  “Jesus!  Are you fucking kidding me?  Goodell as Jesus? Good, we can kill him again.”

Most racial sport of all time?

In a narrow vote by the Race Relations Board, the 100 Meter Dash narrowly beat out the NBA for the title of most racist sport in America.  We asked Bob Blakpower, a committee member, how the vote went down.  “The 100 meter dash is a race in which a white guy fires a gun, and 8 black men run in the opposite direction for obvious reasons.  Then they break through the yellow tape so it looks like they’re escaping the crime scene.”  

  I pointed out that white people competed in this event too, but Bob was on a roll.  “Also racist, but not as much, is the NBA.”  ‘How,’ we asked.   “In this sport, a white guy walks out, tosses a ball in the air, and then stands back and earns 50 bucks an hour reffing a game played by 10 black men who earn millions of dollars playing the sport that a white guy created.” We pointed out that Larry Bird was one of the greatest players of all time.  Bob replied, “He was black.  Somewhere in his lineage there is a black person, there has to be.”  ‘Ok, what about Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitski?’  ‘Mulattoes,’ he replied.

Malden man improves golf game

Mark Chesling of Malden had a serious ass case of the yips over the summer, shanking several drives into neighboring houses yards, and putting so poorly, geriatrics were behind him screaming , “Just pick it up and go to the next hole.” Chesling came up with a plan however.

We caught up to him on the 7th hole at Mount Hood. “Given all the racial tensions in our country, I figured out how I could cure my yips. I hired Jerome here,” he said, as he pointed to his 6 foot 4 inch caddie. “The hire itself is a nice gesture to the black community, but what really comes in handy is his posse. Let me illustrate,” said Mark, as he lined up a ten foot putt from an uphill lie.

“Normally, I’d be nervous as hell about this putt, wondering if I should over hit it, run it left; all the normal things that a golfer worries about. But now watch,” he said as he got to it. As Mark leaned over the shot, Jerome let out a loud whistle and several thugs came running out of the woods brandishing weapons.

“They’re coming for you boss,” said Jerome to Mark. Mark peered up at me and said, “What’s to worry about a measly ten foot putt when you’re about to get gang raped?” Amazingly he gently rolled the ball into the hole. At this point we understood what he was saying, however it would have made more sense to repeat this 18 times instead of Jerome’s crew actually following up on their threats and pummeling Mark on the 7th green.

We asked him if he took these beatings once every green. “No,” he replied, are you crazy? Not every green, every putt!” As he took it up the ass in full view of hordes of golfers, we questioned whether it was better to have the yips or possibly contract Aids.

Revere mother poisons son with office supplies

Betty Syndrome, a local idiot from Revere Ma and mother of three, inadvertently killed her son on Tuesday by forcing him to consume poison. Betty was making lunches for school, she told us as she balled her eyes out like a big baby, and ran out of Marshmallow Fluff. “Ricky always whines when he doesn’t get a good two inches of fluff, said Betty, now completely despondent and reaching for a knife to slit her wrist. We passed her the instrument after running it thru the sharpener and continued our interview. We asked what led to the poisoning. “He was whining and crying,” she moaned, “and wouldn’t stop.” Probably gets it from his mother, we were quick to point out. “So I grabbed a small bottle of white out, and poured that on top of his peanut butter, then placed a piece of bread on top of it and sent him off to school. I didn’t think it would kill him,” she moaned. It was a mistake.” Yes, we pointed out, but you did the right thing, white out is what you use when you make mistakes.

Mass Lawmakers Crack down hard on Dollar Stores

The state of Massachusetts, acting on several false advertising claims by consumers, is legally forcing the Dollar Stores  and other stores of its kind to change their names by the end of the week. “Not everything is a dollar in there,” said Frank Bhomer, a legal analyst who works out of his parent’s cellar, “yet the sign indicates it’s all a dollar. In fact, one could argue that an idiot might assume the entire inventory could be purchased for four quarters, only to find out later that he needs to cough up another seventeen bucks in loose cash to purchase the entire franchise.”

Not only are lawmakers forcing the name change, they are supplying the store with the names it must choose. “As of this point,” said Wayne Clearance, a dollar store operator in Methuen, “we can choose between the names ‘Nothing Good in Here’ or my current front runner, although I’m not psyched about it….’Bins O’ Shit.; I mean come on, that ain’t good for business; we got nice stuff in here,” said Wayne as he attempted to shoo away several garbage men who had inadvertently pulled up to the store and were piling racks and shelves into the back of the trash truck.

“The word shit on the sign, that’s not cool either; plus it’s going to bring in the FCC and result in monetary fines.  And when we send in the money in loose change, they flip out about that too.” We pointed out that the FCC handled radio and TV communication, but Wayne said it stood for Fucking Crap Commission, so we weren’t going to argue.

Nicki Minaj Suffers Nip Slip During Vancouver Concert, City of Boston issues a strong warning

Singer Nikki Minaj’s left nipple fell out of her outfit during a concert on Monday, an outfit by the way that couldn’t hold my dick and balls in place if I double looped it around my package and then secured it with duct tape.

The previous weekend her concert was concluded earlier than anticipated due to a minor brawl. The city of Boston, on receiving this news, informed Nikki that the next time she comes through town, certain parameters must be met.

One is called the Dick Tease Clause and states that any nip slip had better be followed up by a grand viewing of famous Taj Minaj snatch and bunghole click here to see her bunghole so the crowd can orgasmically release in the comfort of their own chairs. Boston concert goers do not want to go home with blue balls; its straight to bed after a hard night of partying;  we ain’t got time to be drunkenly searching the cabinets for ointments and baby wipes at 2AM cuz Nikki couldn’t keep her tits in the holster.

The second parameter is the Fight to the Death Clause, which falls under the No Pussies Allowed Preamble to the Boston Constitution. Any and all brawls will not be ending any concerts prematurely; therefore and forthwith, Nikki will honor her contract and sing for the duration agreed to, whilst we Bostonians settle our business in the stands with whatever weapons we deem necessary.

As per article 2 section 4 of the Bostitution:
All performers must continue performing during any and all fights in the crowd to assure the following.
1. That all Bostonians are guaranteed a sound track for any and all fights and that any song a performer is currently performing must comply with Commonwealth Law paragraph 2 section 8 which states: Any and all fights in and around Boston must be accompanied by either Shipping up to Boston or Dirty Water; no other song shall be permitted.

NBA player Matt Barnes of the Memphis Grizzlies has some ‘splaining’ to do

NBA player Matt Barnes has been making bold claims about dating Rihanna over the past week. The only problem is that Rihanna has no clue who he is. Nor do most NBA fans, but then again, Matt isn’t claiming to be banging
them.

Barnes issued a statement yesterday clarifying the issue.  “I am not dating Rihanna,” he said as he tossed a photo of the pop singer, which we noted was covered in some sort of slime, into a barrel behind him.  He then took out a photo of Shakira, introduced the media to his new dame, then proceeded to grab a bottle of soft soap and headed into the men’s room with a large bulge in his pants.  He exited ten minutes later, and held another press conference where he stated that he was breaking up with Shakira, and was now in a serious relationship with click here to see Matt’s new love

Geno Smith had ass ripped open yesterday


NY Jet QB Geno Smith had surgery on his broken jaw late yesterday afternoon. “It’s minor surgery,” said Frank Bemoth, a surgeon at the hospital. “We take his jaw out, pass it around the room so everyone can hold it up to their mouth and take turns pretending they’re Geno and getting punched out. We have a lot of laughs. Then we put the jaw back in, covered in people’s germs, wire it shut and we’re pretty much done. He’s probably not too happy about it, but hey, what’s he gonna do, yell at us??? But then things got a little dicey.” Continue reading

Boston loses Olympic bid, will now pursue Special Olympics

The Beantown staff has uncovered some startling facts about the Boston Commission in charge of bringing the Olympics to Boston. They are now making a run at the Special Olympics in 2019. And the bid is not being made by the commission itself; it’s being made by the Special Olympics athletes themselves.

We spoke with Harvey Fritzenheimer, who was a member of the failed 2015 bid and asked to remain anonymous, but fuck him. Harvey had this to say, “All the Special Olympics Committees in the past have been run by people ‘without’ special needs. And it runs through the entire process, from the games, to the TV coverage to the facility management.

The recent LA games had every handsome glib ESPN wannabe announcer sticking his white teeth in the frame in an attempt to steal the games from the very people who should be the center of attention.

And the entire staff at the events themselves are made up of people with no discernible needs. Do we let the special olympians get in on the Winter
and Summer Olympic games? No, I didn’t think so, so let’s get the fuck away from their games! We’ve decided that our bid and the games themselves will
be handled by the Special Olympians. We chose ten of them to head up the bid committee, and then allowed the rest of them to divvy up all the announcing chores, the track and field set up, TV negotiations and gave them all the medals, the podiums, tickets and the bunting.  They’re on their own.  The rest of us are going to get the bleep out of their way, it’s time to put the ‘special’ in Special Olympics.”