Five ways to make auto racing more fun

  1. Don’t put out the fires and make it impossible to climb out of the cars in anything less than a minute.
  2. Place one car bomb under one lucky car every week.
  3. Replace the pace car with a U.S. military tank.  Allow the tank to circle the track firing mortar rounds at the driver’s windows.
  4. Pack one of the side retaining walls with mustard gas.
  5. Allow the pit crews to dress in opposing pit crew uniforms so they can sabotage vehicles and beat the shit out of opposing drivers.
  6. Did we say five? We meant six.  Any and all female drivers should be forced to remove all clothing before entering the vehicle. The vehicle that houses these naked speed whores must be a convertible.
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