SELF HELP BOOKS COMING OUT THIS MONTH

Fileting your murder victim, a Beginner’s Guide

Bank Robbing for Dummies

How to avoid terror attacks while vacationing in Pakistan

Buttscrewing Uncle Sam: Cheating on your taxes, an American’s Guide To Simple Wealth

The Evolution of the Fart

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New Reality Show coming soon- Beat Down

The show’s premise is very simple, 10 nerds are locked in a biker bar during Harley week.  The are allowed to dress up as bikers to mix in, but the shirt they don has to say, “I hate bikers and if anyone has anything to say, you can lick my ass, dick and taint.”  The object is to escape the bar without getting Beat Down.  There is a door to make a quick exit, but it is locked.  The key to the door is located up the rectum of a Hell’s Angel’s leader, who is currently passed out drunk on a pool table, underneath a 300 pound hooker with hemophilia, and a wasted, coked out chimpanzee who has already killed four people in the last six weeks.

Fun things to do on whale watch

When the guide yells over the intercom, “Whales at 2 o’clock” point at your watch and tell all the clueless old folks, “Hey, it’s 1:15, let’s get a drink, we have plenty of time.”

When everyone rushes over to check out a whale, stare at the fattest person in the group and remark, “Wow that thing is gi -%$F$- normous.  It really does have a humped back, doesn’t it.” Take several pictures of that person’s ass and remark, “People are not going to believe this!”

Walk up to random families and say, “Hi I’m Horace, your guide for the trip.  Did you receive your harpoon yet?  The harpoon throwing area is in the aft section of the boat, just down a click from the stern.  Our policy on the boat is we eat what we kill.  Enjoy your meal folks.”

When a whale blows water out of its hole and wets some people, approach them.  “As your guide, I just want to apologize on behalf of the whales.  It’s their masturbation period, and they get excited when people watch.  That one there is a real shooter.  Now, a few facts about whale cum that you might find interesting……

 

Subway pitchman Fogle beaten in prison

Disgraced former Subway pitchman Jared Fogle was left bloodied in a prison fight by a fellow inmate, reports surfaced Wednesday.

There are no reports as of yet whether Subway will use the photos of a beaten Fogle to advertise their new “Bloody Red Roast Beef Footlong.”  Subway is also rumored to be considering the inmate who beat Fogle to be the new spokesman for the Roundhouse Chop Sandwich or the Black Eyed Steak Sub.

The incident occurred when Steven J. Nigg, whose name is two letters short of being very offensive and whose middle initial stands for Jiggaboo, 60, wanted to draw attention to the number of prisoners at the minimum-security prison in Colorado who are serving sentences for sexually based offenses, his family said.  Despite yesterdays efforts, no one currently knows the number.

It was reported by TMZ that Nigg (again, we are using his name and mean no offense to African Americans)  attacked Fogle in a prison yard in late January and that Nigg (this is what it says on his birth certificate, swear unto the Lord)  “pushed Fogle down and then Nigg (it’s almost becoming a running joke here, but we have the documents to prove this) unloaded a barrage of punches to Fogle’s face.”  It is unclear from the photos whether or not the sexually deviant Fogle was able to achieve orgasm during the beating.

In a related story, Steven  J. Nigg is considering changing his name to Stephen C.  Unt.

 

5 Fun Ways to Kill Yourself

Overdose on Skittles

Drink 14 gallons of toilet water

Read War and Peace until your head explodes

Walk into any black neighborhood and begin referring to everyone as my N-g%$R.  The world record is 3

Walk into a biker bar and inquire, “Which one of you queers parked your tricycle in my spot?”

 

Five movies that should have had sequels or prequels

  1. Weekend at Bernies. We all saw the sequel but a prequel that shows what Bernie did everyday leading up to his death would have been useful.
  2. Schindler’s List. I think a sequel to show what all the saved Jews did with their lives would have been watchable.
  3. Saving Private Ryan. A sequel to this one showing Private Ryan’s son during Vietnam would have been cool.
  4. Cool Runnings. I really want to know what happened to the Jamaican Bobsled team after the olympics.
  5. The Wizard of Oz. A sequel showing Dorothy giving birth to twin tin babies and how she had to struggle bringing them up would be clutch.

Are you fucking serious right now… I mean come on people!

Look at this fucking Gem of a human I found on the Internet ( shit did I write human because apparently this bitch is a vampire. Please read and drop a comment on how fucked this shit is . 

You can read the original question and answer as well as some ridiculous comments here

Five ways to make auto racing more fun

  1. Don’t put out the fires and make it impossible to climb out of the cars in anything less than a minute.
  2. Place one car bomb under one lucky car every week.
  3. Replace the pace car with a U.S. military tank.  Allow the tank to circle the track firing mortar rounds at the driver’s windows.
  4. Pack one of the side retaining walls with mustard gas.
  5. Allow the pit crews to dress in opposing pit crew uniforms so they can sabotage vehicles and beat the shit out of opposing drivers.
  6. Did we say five? We meant six.  Any and all female drivers should be forced to remove all clothing before entering the vehicle. The vehicle that houses these naked speed whores must be a convertible.

Americas newest reality show a big hit

The newest reality show “American President 2016” is a record breaker.

So far the captains of the two tribes are Republican Tribe Captain Donald Trump and Democratic Tribe Captain Hillary Clinton.

Viewers have voted off several contestants so far this season. The concept of the show is to “vote” for who gets to be the American President for the next four years. Former contestant from the Republican Tribe Christopher Christie from New Jersey has formed a partnership with current tribe captain Donald Trump of New York . Another former contestant Benjamin Carson, a Doctor from Florida, has yet to decide who he pledged his support for. The top six contestants remaining are:

Republic Tribe:

*(C) Indicated current tribe Captain

(C) Donald Trump, a New York businessman

Marco Rubio, a Teenager from Florida

Ted Cruz, the only Canadian on the show

Johnathan Kasich from Ohio
Democratic Tribe:

(C) Hillary Clinton from Arkansas

Bernard Sanders from New York and Vermont.
The top six are now competing to whittle the field down to the top one contestant from each tribe who will then go head to head in a sudden death elimination round in November.