Fat Man Eats Himself

A 400 pound whale living in Medford ate a large portion of himself on Tuesday, citing laziness as the main factor.  George Corpulenti, whose weight fluctuates from between 400 and 450 pounds, depending on whether or not he’s taken a shower or shit that day, was stuck on the couch when he noticed his Stop and Shop Pea Pod delivery had not arrived.  Fearing that he might starve to death, he grabbed a steak knife that he keeps next to his bed and began carving sections of his thigh off and eating them.  We asked George why he didn’t just call Domino’s?  “The knife was closer than the phone,” was his reply.  We also asked why he wouldn’t just eat the cat or the dog, he replied, “I wolfed them down last week.”  He licked his lips as he said this, leading us to believe they were quite tasty.  As for the thigh meat, George stated that “It tastes kind of like a cross between chicken, Peking Duck, and Selma.  At that point we noticed a photo next to the knife tray on George’s night table.  In the photo was a picture of George holding a cat and a person we believe to be Selma holding a dog.

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