MOVIE REVIEW – SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS

Another oldie for you old movie renters.  I never saw this movie, but I’m pretty comfortable taking a stab at it anyway.  A pair of pants gets passed down, makes its travels around the country, picking up bits and pieces of women’s lives along the way.  The stories are retold through the pants, each blemish and rip signifying some incident or experience.  It’s a total chick flick and when men watch it, they can’t help but wonder when is a male going to make a movie about a pair of traveling briefs; whose stains, rips and skidmarks, similar to rings in a tree stump, signify the loves lost, broads banged, runny tacos eaten, and the assholes on the football team who considered it humorous to pull your undies over your head until your balls turned blue.

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Four killed in freak accident

Cambridge Ma- Four people are dead after what first responders are calling a “freak accident.” The incident happened early yesterday when a bear riding a unicycle collided with a one armed men juggling chainsaws. Those killed included a bearded lady, a lobster boy, and 2 sets of Siamese twins.

A fun way to watch a movie

Ok, we all hate when someone ruins a movie, but sometimes you get dragged to a movie you’ve already seen and you’re bored as shit.  Here’s a fun way to spoil everyone else’s time with a catchy sing a long.    When the music rises to a crescendo to heighten a tense scene where the bad guy is going to jump out and strike in typical Hollywood predictable fashion, create a diddie to go along with it.  Sing out loud, “And he’s hiding in the closet, but he’ll jump out soon, jump out soon, jump out soon, cuz that’s what always happens!!!  And he’ll grab a knife and slicer her up, slice her up in the morning!!  I know this cuz I’ve seen in before, seen it before , seen it be…….fore and you haven’t!!  Then he gets away, goes and hides in the mountains, la la la la la.  He’ll wait it out, then come back down and kill some more, all the live long day oh!!   The the cops will come and arrest his ass, and place him in the jail… oooo.   But he’ll escape from there, and that is the end of the movieeee, cuz jail people are so stuuuupid!!  Dum dum dum, dum dum dum, jailers are frigging idiots.  Everybody come on, sing along!!”

New hate group forms

Ted Spameron from Natick has formed a highly successful hate group from the confines of his parents basement. H.A.T.E. Or Humans Against Tomato Eating, is a culinary hate group that protests the use of tomatoes in dishes, with two exceptions ketchup and spaghetti sauce. Speaking of the groups quick popularity Spameron said, “No one, and I mean no one actually likes tomatoes as a fruit, and only a few people like them as a vegetable so it was an easy sell.” When asked why he hates tomatoes he said, “I remember as a young child, my neighbor would give me fresh tomatoes out of his garden on blistering hot summer days, and then he would anally rape me.”

FUN WAYS TO REALLY HURT YOURSELF

Drive to an area where a lot of children live and walk around the neighborhood dressed up in a giant penis costume.  Approach small kids and hand them your business cards, begging them to give you a call.

Another fun way to hurt yourself is to drink massive quantities of liquor and then do a sailors dive off the first balcony at a football stadium, making sure that you land on either of the teams metal benches where the players sit.  Shout racial epithets as you hurtle down towards the earth.

DRIVING CAN BE FUN! TIP NUMBER 1

Drive pell mell down a residential one way street in any suburb of America, and you’re bound to hear some idiot yelling at you at the top of his lungs, “It’s a one way you idiot, turn around!”  Turn around as ordered, but not the car, just you the driver so that you are now seated facing the rear windshield, and clutching the steering wheel behind your back.  Shout out the window “Thanks pal.  This is so much safer cuz now I can keep an eye on assholes like you while I drive!”  Then floor the pedal and leave nothing in your path but torn up lawns, busted mailboxes and human detritus.

Reality Show War coming to FOX?

A new reality show we pitched to FOX could be making its way to the airwaves soon.  The pitch was very simple, and the greedy cocksuckers at FOX were literally drooling on the oak conference table as we discussed the show, whose budget is nothing more than the cost of a helicopter ride.  10 contestants are chosen to participate from the usual cabal of fame seeking idiots.  The contestants only have to have one characteristic to be considered, they need to be alive, cuz on this show they will be getting killed.  The ten ‘winners’ are flown to an area of the globe where the US is currently engaged in war.  The folks will be air dropped right onto the battle field during a major skirmish in broad daylight.  A loudspeaker will announce their arrival, and they will not be bearing arms due to the liberal medias’ hatred for guns.   As the US Army will not be notified of the drop, both armies on the field will consider the falling bodies to be’enemy combatants;’ therefore its unlikely that anyone will hit the ground alive.  The winner will be determined after a search for body parts years later when its safe to walk the area.

Tentative show titles are:

Syrian Bred 

Who wants to be an amputee?

Keeping up with the Kurds

Starbucks barista learns sign language for deaf customer

A Starbucks barista has started learning sign language in an attempt to better a customer’s experience.

The following is an excerpt from a Fox News story:

On Friday, 23-year-old Piracha shared a photo of the note on his Facebook page, along with a status, that has since gone viral:
“Oh, I gotta love this place,” Piracha wrote in his Facebook post. “Starbucks woman cashier, she wrote it to me and she knew I am deaf. I am surprised she learning sign language because I attend to Starbucks 3 times in a week. She asked me ‘what you want drink?’ in sign language. I am so blessed with her. I think she realized Leesburg, VA have deaf people. Please share this post to everyone. I want hearing people would understand about hearing community supporting for the deaf community.”

It is pretty apparent just by reading that bullshit why she chose to learn sign language instead of trying to decider whatever that guy is trying to pass off as English.

 

Native American Naming Customs

The custom of naming the baby after the first thing you see after it pops out is something other races should consider.  However its confusing when we see names like Sitting Bull, Fallen Tree and Red River when clearly the first thing you should see when a baby is born is the mother’s vagina.  Therefore Custer’s Last Stand should have been chronicled as the moment when Custer made one last dash while leading his troops in a battle against Chief Crusty Rim, who was charging ahead with his two battle tested warriors Mangled Slice and Chafed Piss Flippers.

 

Today’s baby names lack imagination; all you parents about to bring new children into the world, start paying attention to the delivery room and come up with some descriptive names.  “Hi, not sure we’ve met before, my name is Bloody Forceps, and this is my wife Placental Juice Dripping off Gurney.  We have four children, this is our eldest son Smoking Hot Nurse, our daughter Bedpan Filled with Rotten Feces, our second youngest boy 70 dollar co -pay and our newborn Man Behind Curtain Dying of Aids.”