Broncos to be investigated for cheating

The NFL, never one to waver with its favorite teams such as the all time biggest cheaters, (*see list of most fined teams) -the Denver Broncos, will head up an investigation to see just what happened yesterday on the field vs. the Patriots.

“First of all,” said an NFL official named James Pattersonlin, who asked to not be identified by name so we added an lin to the end of his name, “the rules state that a player can not pull on the jersey of another player or inhibit him from jumping.  Video evidence clearly shows Aqib Akmar Muhammad Talib doing this on the jump ball play.  As this is a violation of rules, we are confiscating all the cell phones of the players in the secondary and taking this to a Federal Court house.  There were also two hits to the heads of Patriots receivers.  As this is also a violation of the rules, we have set up a surveillance team to follow Gary Kubiak around for a week to obtain DNA and any other incriminating evidence.  As for the tablets on the Patriots sidelines not working, we have audio from the Patriots coaches who were screaming, ‘This is shit!’  We are now reviewing security tapes to see if in fact, someone from the Broncos staff shit on the tablets prior to the game, which would certainly gum up the works on such a device.”

 

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Framingham man sues KAO USA over lack of warning label on Jergens lotion

Jack Mehoff of Framingham Massachusetts, has filed a lawsuit with the United States District Court of Boston. The lawsuit alleges that Jergens Lotion led to some serious complications to Mehoff. A copy of Mehoof’s complaint states in part that on or about November 10, 2013 he had applied some of the Jergens Lotion to some dry skin on his elbow and it cleared it up within two days. However, on November 18, 2013 Mr. Mehoff states that he had a small amount of dry skin on his penis, at which point he applied some Jergens Lotion, but with serious consequences as he states that he applied the lotion and “within a matter of seconds” he ejaculated. He is suing the company for them to add a warning label advising of these possible side effects; the suit also seeks damages for what Mehoff describes as “rape” and is requesting the company change its name to Jerkins.

sPedbox movie review: Black Mass

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Black Mass

Running time 2hrs 3 minutes (could have probably shaved three minutes and made it 2hrs, but no they didn’t )

Let me first say that when my wife said we were going to watch Black Mass, I expected a comedy with Ice Cube, and a bunch of black people attending church— I was a tad disappointed that this is the name they went with for a “Whitey”Bulger movie.

**Also a small disclaimer as the version I saw had Chinese subtitles and I don’t speak chinamen.

Ok so this flick has Gilbert Grape portraying James “Whitey” Bulger and the gay guy from The Imitation Games as his brother Billy Bulger. The chick from 50 Shades Of Grey is Bulger’s girlfriend.

There’s a lot of ass kicking and stuff so if you like that you’ll like this, if however you want a movie with a shit ton of black people screaming “Praise Jesus” then you too were mistaken by the title and this is not the flick for you.

Report: Sanders to drop out of Presidential bid after purchasing calculator 

Early reports indicate that Bernie Sanders (D.S) Vt. may be dropping out of the 2016 Presidential race after purchasing a calculator.

A spokeswoman for Mr. Sanders said, “Yes there are some rumors swirling that Mr. Sanders may suspend his presidential bid as early as this week.” We asked about the sudden change of heart? To which she replied, “As it turns out Bernie was using a calculator that he purchased from Dollar Tree, and has replaced that one with one he purchased at Walmart and was surprised as to how wrong his original figures were off.”

We were able to obtain the calculator from the Dollar Tree, which had a price tag on it which simply showed the symbol for Pi.  The calculator was missing both the 8 and the 9 key, the 7 was smashed in so hard it was not usable, the 6 looked like it had been shat upon,  and when you hit multiply (X) the calculator took the number you previously entered and added fifteen zeroes to it and then cubed it.  Hence the idiotic economic drivel coming from Mr. Sanders wrinkled visage.

sPedBox Movie review Ted 2

Ted 2

Running Time 1hr 55 minutes

In this sequel, Marky Mark and Peter Griffin’s  voice embark on an hour and 55 minute journey to declare that the teddy bear is a person.

Instead of the girl that plays Meg being the hot girl in this one, The blonde girl from Jennifer’s Body plays the main hot girl.

About 5 minutes in the guy from Taken  buys Trix cereal from Peter Griffin’s voice.

There’s also a black lady that works at the store that coins the term “White Nigger”

The guy that was the bad guy in Ted 1 and Contraband is the bad guy again and Puddy from Seinfeld comes out as gay.

Bill Belichick regrets doing press conference after meeting with Ray Rice

Patriots head coach Bill Belichick did a press conference yesterday following a meeting with Ray Rice.


Belichick was sporting a black eye and was visibly upset during the presser at one point saying, “I shouldn’t have got in that elevator… It’s all my fault.”

California can’t decide what to bitch about most

For the past two years, California has been bitching that it’s “too dry” now this bipolar ass state is complaining that it’s “too wet;” make up your mind. Don’t make the entire country feel bad for you because you “aren’t getting enough rain” only to bitch when it starts raining.

NFL Playoff Picture

Week one of the NFL playoffs is approaching, and several teams are busy firing coaches and covering up evidence of HGH use. Here are a list of several teams that did not make the playoffs and their chances for making the playoffs.

 

Jacksonville:  Jacksonville did not win enough games to qualify, but holds out hope that several team planes crash this weekend, so they can fill in.

Tennessee Titans.: The Titans blew it out the ass this year, but they also are in contact with Isis, hoping to convince the group to carpet bomb several front offices, thereby opening a hole for their team to play a playoff game.

New Orleans Saints:  The Saints are busy trying to trade their coach, thinking they hold a pawn similar to the one the Jets had years ago when they traded Bill Belichick to the Patriots.  Of course the difference is Sean Payton is no Bill Belichick.  Sean Payton is not even a better coach than Bill’s son, the surfer looking pot smoker who runs up and down the sidelines with wires and headphones wrapped around his torso.  The Saints could play this weekend if someone poisons the water supply at the Carolina Panthers facility, and then does the same thing at the Falcons facility and the Buccaneers.  Stay tuned, this team committed bounty gate, the worst atrocity to a fellow man since the Holocaust; the Saints are not above killing people for football games.

Dallas Cowboys:  the Cowboys can still make the playoffs, they just need all the above to happen, and then a few more massive catastrophic events to occur to other teams, leading the NFL to tap QB Kellen Moore on the shoulder and say, “Go show America how to throw interceptions.”  Moore threw so many picks towards the close of the season, team doctors ran tests on him to determine if perhaps he was actually a righty.  At this point it doesn’t seem to matter, one doctor is trying to teach him to fling the ball with his cock, that has not been entirely successful either.

World renowned author dead

Martin Fryburg, The author of numerous non-fiction works has died, he was 47.

Among the books Fryburg has authored were: How to Keep A Marrige Strong, which won critical acclaim for its honesty and thought provocative material. Another of his books, The Happiest Man Alive, chronicles his journey to happiness with his loving wife. And his New York Times Best Seller, How You Can Beat Anxiety and Depression, which has sold twenty million copies worldwide.

Fryburg was found on Monday after committing suicide, a note left near his body read in part, “You stupid whore, how dare you sleep with my brother.”