Victoria Hoyle of Medford made a bold claim on Tuesday morning when she strode into our offices with a hot news take. She claims that Ray Charles had perfect vision and just used the blindness as a prop to become famous and get laid. We asked how she could make such a claim. Victoria said she met the singer backstage in Memphis in 1958 and her tale went as follows. “I had a few drinks with him, I knew he was putting some shit in my drink, but I didn’t give two tits,” said the 85 year old. “I was getting my clam busted one way or t’other,” she went on. “So the room is spinning and I pull my pants down, and Ray makes this face like,”Whoa, what the fuck?? He’s a getting all squinty eyed and shit when he realizes I’m buck naked and ready to take his little black pickle for a roll. At that point it occurs to me, given the noise in the room what with him eating and making sucking noises on the quahogs from the buffet, and the background music coming from the speakers, that this man should have no idea my vag is out in the open. I mean, come on, you telling me he heard me pull my pants down? I know going blind increases your hearing but please; my pants ain’t made of Pop Rocks. He done saw it, that was why he made that face,” said Victoria. “He even grabbed for my junk and was right on the mark, how you explain that shit if he blind?” We suggested that perhaps her snatch smelled up the room as soon as she dropped trow, and that Ray was simply grimacing from the stench of her chlamydia.
Victoria shunned these ideas, despite the fact we were beginning to smell what poor Mr. Charles had gotten a whiff of five decades ago. Cracking a window and donning gas masks, we urged her to hurry up. She added one more item for proof that Ray was not blind. “When we were done banging and I was putting my clothes on, I slipped him a note with my number. I sneaked around the building and watched him from the window before I left, and wouldn’t you know he wiped his ass with that phone number while crooning some bullshit about Georgia being on his mind!” We indicated that story proved nothing more than that Ray was not interested in dating a woman with some deadly cunt disease. Victoria went on to say, “It was a fake number stupid! It had all zeroes in it. He wiped his ass with a fake number! Get it? How would he know it was fake? He could see it you dumbasses!”