A Turkish man who refused to be identified for fear of reprisals has told several news outlets that ISIS is punishing gays by forcing them off high rooftops with their hands tied together. The victims are then stoned once they hit the ground, regardless of whether or not the fall kills them. The man, who we promised we would allow to remain anonymous, went on to state from his apartment at 34 East Mezzeh Al Shafee, Demascus, (phone number 4-555) that ISIS members routinely have sex with goats and camels, which led us to wonder how they could point a finger at gays.
We conducted an experiment using five glory holes and three gays, one camel and a small goat. Each ISIS entrant was blindfolded and asked to plunge his member into the various glory holes, and then rate each hole for satisfaction, lubrication, and or sandiness. The gays were allowed to place their bunghole over the hole or if they preferred, their mouths. The ISIS members were adamant that the camel’s hole was number 2, and that the gays occupied holes 1, 4, and 5. Hole number 3 became infected and died; thus the data was stricken from the record. When the ISIS-ites had the blindfolds removed, they realized the error in their ways. Despite the bravado this terror group has shown, we state for the record that we saw tears rolling down several members faces as we tied their hands together and led them single file up to the 6 story roof of the Holiday Inn and Suites.