Fake Craigslist ad of the week December 31, 2015

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Items wanted- Framingham and surrounding areas.

I am looking for a few shits and a couple fucks. This past week has been really rough on me, my daughters car broke down which cost me two shits, then the Patriots lost and I gave a fuck there. Any and all shits and fucks welcome. Please be kind to a man down on his luck. In my current situation I can not give a fuck or a shit and that makes me sad.

Please put your favorite episode of Designing Women in the subject field I will respond I’m fucking desperate.

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Five life hacks that will change your world

Day after day you end up having to do the same old shit; we here at the Beantown Beatdown have come up with five life hacks that will forever Change your life.

1.Instead of scraping ice off your car window do this instead:

Purchase a house with an attached garage. This is handy in the winter as you don’t have to worry about snow or ice. And as a bonus you can run the car in the garage to commit suicide when you’re trying to do # 2 on this list.

2. Instead of fumbling with fitted sheets, do this instead:

Burn your house down. More people commit suicide over fitted sheets than any other problem facing society.

3. Instead of divorcing your wife and leaving your kid torn forever between the two of you do this instead….

Move to Florida, where she will either be raped or murdered or both… FACT: Florida sucks balls.

4. Cable and Internet are for rich people, here’s how to get around it:

Step one:

Log in to a wifi hotspot, or just ask your neighbor questions like: where they went to school, or their least favorite car. Then guess their password.

Step two:

Find out which one of your relatives has the best cable package and ask for their info so you can log in and stream shit fo’ free.

5. Buy regular milk instead of milk in a sunblock container.

Your milk really shouldn’t see the sun if you have a properly working refrigerator in your house. You can save upwards of 25¢ per gallon as long as you do in fact have a refrigerator. If for some reason you want to take a gallon of milk to the beach in August than by all means shell out the extra quarter.

Another NHL star accused of sexual assault 

After allegations against Patrick Kane for rape were dropped by a Buffalo, New York prosecutor, he has been unstoppable this year, leading the league in points.   Now there is another Kane accusation hitting the fan; the victim is claiming she was confused and it was actually Evander Kane (who is black and therefore much longer than Patrick; but that has nothing to do with the story) that assaulted her.  All this writer can hope for is that the threat of a sexual assault case can boost Evander Kane’s play like it did Patrick’s (please note, Patrick is white so they aren’t related)

One must not look past the actual fact that there is a girl in the Buffalo area that has a thing for saying she got “Kaned.”

Peyton Manning accused of using HGH

A story that was first broken by Al Ja zeera of all outlets, has Peyton Manning on the defensive.  The story alleges that Manning took HGH after his neck surgery in 2011.  Manning’s lawyer responded vociferously. “Manning did not take performance enhancing drugs, and we can prove it.”  The lawyer then strode over to a small TV set in his office, pressed play and cued up a series of videos showing Manning tossing interceptions, getting sacked and chucking wobbly ducks all over the pitch.  The video ended, at which point the attorney turned off the set, peered into the camera, and said, “Those were his best plays of the season.  Performance enhancing my fucking ass.  If he took HGH, he better get a fucking refund.  I’m saying if he was on drugs, it was mind altering shit like heroin or coke.  Blow it out your ass America.”

Five gifts for the sociopath in your life

This Christmas make sure you get the perfect gift for that special sociopath you know and love.

Police Radio 5-1 app.

  1. For the sociopath that thinks the world is out to get them, give the gift of listening in on their police departments radio traffic.
  2. Does your sociopath believe that the New World Order is moments away from total domination of the world? Then grab a Brita  water filter. For some reason Alex Jones hocks water filters during his conspiracy rants so why leave this off the list?
  3. No sociopaths life is complete without an AR-15. Whether it’s to feel safe at home or to kill a shit ton of people this item is a must have this Christmas season.
  4. A great addition to #3 is the M203 grenade launcher. It fits under the barrel of the AR-15 and is designed to kill multiple people in a single launch.
  5. New Freezer, if your sociopath is also a necropheliac then grab them a nice freezer to store body parts til Spring.

Merry Christmas Motherfuckers!!!

Ray Charles lying about being blind?

Victoria Hoyle of Medford made a bold claim on Tuesday morning when she strode into our offices with a hot news take.  She claims that Ray Charles had perfect vision and just used the blindness as a prop to become famous and get laid.  We asked how she could make such a claim.  Victoria said she met the singer backstage in Memphis in 1958 and her tale went as follows.  “I had a few drinks with him, I knew he was putting some shit in my drink, but I didn’t give two tits,” said the 85 year old.  “I was getting my clam busted one way or t’other,” she went on.  “So the room is spinning and I pull my pants down, and Ray makes this face like,”Whoa, what the fuck??  He’s a getting all squinty eyed and shit when he realizes I’m buck naked and ready to take his little black pickle for a roll.  At that point it occurs to me, given the noise in the room what with him eating and making sucking noises on the quahogs from the buffet, and the background music coming from the speakers, that this man should have no idea my vag is out in the open.  I mean, come on, you telling me he heard me pull my pants down? I know going blind increases your hearing but please; my pants ain’t made of Pop Rocks.  He done saw it, that was why he made that face,” said Victoria.  “He even grabbed for my junk and was right on the mark, how you explain that shit if he blind?” We suggested that perhaps her snatch smelled up the room as soon as she dropped trow, and that Ray was simply grimacing from the stench of her chlamydia.

Victoria shunned these ideas, despite the fact we were beginning to smell what poor Mr. Charles had gotten a whiff of five decades ago.  Cracking a window and donning gas masks, we urged her to hurry up.  She added one more item for proof that Ray was  not blind.   “When we were done banging and I was putting my clothes on, I slipped him a note with my number.  I sneaked around the building and watched him from the window before I left, and wouldn’t you know he wiped his ass with that phone number while crooning some bullshit about Georgia being on his mind!”  We indicated that story proved nothing more than that Ray was not interested in dating a woman with some deadly cunt disease.  Victoria went on to say, “It was a fake number stupid!  It had all zeroes in it.  He wiped his ass with a fake number!  Get it?  How would he know it was fake? He could see it you dumbasses!”

Fake Craigslist ad of the week December 22, 2015

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Free items- Danvers

I have a few things I’m finally  willing to part with.

Approximately 8 pieces of soap nuggets. These I’ve been saving to get me through some hard times. They are various sizes and at least one comes with two pubes.

Used dryer sheets. I have hundreds of used dryer sheets, some are Snuggle others are Downy. They are slippery as fuck if you leave them on a floor so be careful.

Used toilet paper rolls. These are former double roll toilet paper rolls with zero wipes left. These will be great for projects or starting fires.

Two sets of coloring books with all the pages colored in, and most of the connect the dots completed.

Homeland for real

The hit show Homeland which airs on Sunday nights has let out a little secret.  The show uses real guns and real terrorists to make the action seem more realistic.  A producer who asked to remain anonymous named John Snyder said in an interview with Beantown, “We can’t publicly out our actors as terrorists, or we will lose half our crew to deportation.   But along with being great actors, many of the Middle Eastern men and women in the show truly hate me and wish me dead.  I went to take a piss in the trailer on Monday and had to duck as a machete came swiping across my skull.  I turned to the actor and said, “Do that again, we weren’t filming.”

Quinn, one of the good guys in the show, recently starred in an episode where he froths at the mouth after breathing in Serafin, a toxic metal.  Quinn was lauded for his ability to make it look like he was actually dying. Quinn, however,  credits his co-stars, two terrorists from Pakistan who actually put Serafin into his juice box while he he sat at lunch hours before the shoot.  “These guys are so into what they do, its incredible.  They have me on my toes the entire time.  The studio is like my work place, and also a place where I know I’m going to die real soon.  These men are so deadly, and yet still able to get their lines right while committing heinous acts.  Its a gift.   They should all win Emmy’s.”