Does Texting Cause Cancer

Charles Ferwwig of the Internet Research Society states that a recent study shows that the majority of cancer patients send text messages in their daily routine.  “Not only that,” he said, “but when they discover they have the disease, the first thing they do is send another text to family members, which only exacerbates the problem.”  We pointed out that people breathe and take shits every day too, so why would one not assume those things cause the disease as well?  “That is completely different,” he said.  “You’re comparing apples and tampons.   A text message is sent via a device, and arrives at a separate device held by another person.  You don’t breathe and have it come out of someone else’s lungs do you?  Nor do you take a shit and get a call from someone in Alaska screaming, “What the fuck…all over my new rug?”  We asked him if he planned to study any other diseases or unknown causes.  He waned on,  “I plan to yes.  I have a hunch, but haven’t proven it as of yet, that large breasts can lead to pregnancy.”


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