Malden Man loses his ass playing daily fantasy

Fan Duel player John Schlock from Malden has lost 56,000 dollars since the NFL season began in September.  “You see the guy on the ads holding the big check?  Well I’m the guy who writes the little checks that go towards funding that big check.” We asked him how wife handles the gambling addiction.  “I lie to her.  The other night at dinner she asked me about the VISA bill and what was draft kings.  I said, “The house was real drafty, so I called up this company, they’re apparently really good, they’re considered the Kings.  They fixed the problem.  That quieted her down till she noticed 10 k charged to Fan Duel.  I said that once the drafts were gone, we need a fan to keep the air circulating, so I called this other company.  I bought two fans, placed them front to front and now they’re just dueling it out.”  We asked if his wife was mentally retarded.  “No, she’s just awfully naive.  I got her to do anal last night by convincing her that it was the oldest known method of birth control.  Not only did she like it, she didn’t even notice the cold draft coming in through the doorway and the lack of any new fans in the house.”

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