Draft Kings and Fan Duel are being investigated by Congress, and could be shut down before the end of the season. The companies, which pay out millions of dollars every week to overweight nerds who reside in their parents basement, have engaged in what many experts feel is insider trading. We spoke with Robert Dickwad, a gambling addict and Fan Duel player, about his view of things. “I don’t think it’s gambling,” said Dickwad. “It’s a game, just like bingo, which takes place in every church hall all over the country. I’m playing a game, just for higher stakes, and if I lose, unlike bingo, I’m going to be living in a cardboard box and foraging for meals in knee deep dumpster juice.” ‘The investigation seems to be focused on Draft King’s employees leaking out inside information. ‘What about that?’ “Insider Schmunsider,” he said, in an apparent attempt to rhyme. “Those Congress guys can climb inside this,” he said as he split his pants in the rear and shoved three fingers into his rectum and began swirling them around counter clock wise. Sensing the interview coming to a close, we asked one final question. ‘How much did you make yesterday for the week eight NFL games?’ Robert was not available for comment, as he had closed up the cardboard flaps of his new home and was poring over next weeks’ lineup on a soiled newspaper.