NYPD cop under investigation 

A New York City police sergeant was recently caught on camera beating an unarmed black male, while another unidentified officer just watched and did nothing.  The black male, shown below, was cornered and had nowhere to go, yet the policeman just continued the onslaught, using every piece in his arsenal and even getting help from what we believe was a first year officer, as he was referred to by the sergeant as the ‘rook.’

The incident took place in Times Square, many onlookers were shocked at the sight and quickly started chanting “we’re not pawns”

When reached for comment Jesse Jackson said, “This is an implorable irreconcilable deception of the humanitarian collective bargaining chip of the,” …..we hung up the phone as Mr. Jackson was making zero sense and appeared to be suffering from a diabetic seizure or some shit.


NFL weekly roundup 

Another crazy week in the NFL leaves us with many questions.

  1.  Can the Panthers run the table?  Quick answer, no.  When your quarterback spends at least 30 minutes a week rehearsing an end zone dance routine, it ain’t gonna happen.  They also have no weapons, injuries are coming, and they have tough games ahead.
  2. Now that Justin Forsett is done for the year, will the Ravens give Ray Rice a chance to come back?  I say no, Ray doesn’t yet fit the profile the Ravens are looking for.  He needs to commit a few other violent offenses, murder would be a good start -(  see Wikipedia, Ray Lewis) before they bring his felonious ways back into the fold.
  3. Are the Jets the dumbest team in the league?  Absolutely.  They spend a fortune on Darelle Revis despite having other holes to fill.  Quick history lesson, when the Patriots let a guy go, there is a good reason.  All the Jets need to do is look down the end of their bench for proof, Exhibit A – Stevan Ridley.  This past Sunday Mr. Ridley carried 4 times for zero yards.  I was sitting on my couch all afternoon eating cheese doodles and farting into an afghan, and I somehow tied the bastard for yards per carry.  As for Revis, he gets torched every time he faces a quality receiver.  The Jets wasted their money.
  4. Are the Falcons choking?  The Falcons were at home, off a bye, facing a backup QB who is coached by a man who invented the worst trick play in NFL history.  Yes, they choked.  To the Falcons credit, they were ready for the fake punt play, and had every angle sealed off on punts.  Unfortunately, they forgot to focus on all the other shit it takes to win a game.   Last season the Falcons were fined for pumping fake crowd noise into the stadium.  Now we know why they did it; to drown out the noise of their self induced vomiting.  click here to listen to the Falcons sideline in the third quarter.
  5. Can the Cowboys make the playoffs?  Yes, their division is so piss poor, the winner of the division will make the playoffs and secure a top five pick in the 2016 NFL draft.  The Eagles blow, the Redskins and Giants are up and down, Dallas can and probably will win out.
  6. Dumb ass call of the week.  In the Buffalo New England game, one of the officials blew his whistle by accident.  The play stopped, negating a possible touchdown.  I have been watching NFL thugs play for decades, this has never happened before.   It will with all certainty never happen again. The NFL first reported that the whistle ‘self blew,’ from possibly the wind blowing into the holes or a player’s saliva flying out of his face mask and onto the whistle.  “The whistle sound was wet, so we are taking DNA samples and investigating,” said Dean Blandino, NFL head of operations.  Several opposing coaches logged complaints that the Patriots are always hocking lungis on the whistles when the refs aren’t looking.  When scientists debunked this theory as absurd, the NFL confiscated all the cell phones of the Patriots players, and are sorting through texts for words like whistle, spit, ref, cheat, FUCK GOODELL and loogi.  Tom Brady was unable to hand over his phone, having run over it in the parking lot before the game.

Walmart tosses hat into Syrian debate

BENTONVILLE AR- Walmart corporate in Bentonville, Arkansas has released a statement with regards to the Syrian refugee debate that reads in part, “Walmart takes our national security very seriously, and as of today we will no longer stock Syrian bread, and in an effort to stand together with France we are now removing all Syrian bread products especially those that were inadvertently located next to French bread.”

Company spokesman Walter Mart added, “In a time of tragedy we need to make our customers feel safe, we are not going to stock these products at this time and will revisit it’s stocking as soon as we feel it is appropriate, but fear not as we have increased our deliveries of wraps and tortillas.”

We reached out to Brian Grandgeorge,from Quincy who was fired yesterday from the Braintree Walmart.   He said, “I honestly didn’t think I did anything wrong, I was eating my antipasto salad from Nick the Greeks and it seems some Syrian bread made refuge in the container and I was let go for what my CSM called ‘destroying the sanctity of the break room.’ It’s ridiculous because I usually like to dip a piece of sub roll in my salad, not this radical extremist bread.”


Does Texting Cause Cancer

Charles Ferwwig of the Internet Research Society states that a recent study shows that the majority of cancer patients send text messages in their daily routine.  “Not only that,” he said, “but when they discover they have the disease, the first thing they do is send another text to family members, which only exacerbates the problem.”  We pointed out that people breathe and take shits every day too, so why would one not assume those things cause the disease as well?  “That is completely different,” he said.  “You’re comparing apples and tampons.   A text message is sent via a device, and arrives at a separate device held by another person.  You don’t breathe and have it come out of someone else’s lungs do you?  Nor do you take a shit and get a call from someone in Alaska screaming, “What the fuck…all over my new rug?”  We asked him if he planned to study any other diseases or unknown causes.  He waned on,  “I plan to yes.  I have a hunch, but haven’t proven it as of yet, that large breasts can lead to pregnancy.”

Syrian Refugee Solution

We at the Beantown Beatdown spend a lot of time in our cars, driving around the city digging up facts to back up stories. We also make up a shit ton of stuff without leaving the house, but we digress.  The point is that traffic around here lasts from early morning till about 730 at night.  Speaking from a purely selfish standpoint, we suggest telling these Syrians trying to enter the USA that the answer is no, you can’t come in.  We have too much traffic.  The last thing we need is another 5000 cars on the road, with Syrians inside them.  Not only that, but from a geometric standpoint its a no- brainer.

Follow along if you will.   If I sit in my car in traffic and I’m behind a Prius, I am let’s say for example 4000 yards from my drinking destination.  Now for the sake of argument , let’s say the Prius owner is replaced by some Syrian prick in one of those big assed Cadillacs these Muslims love to drive around in.  Take the Prius off the road, insert the Caddy, and …..see the issue? It won’t fit in the space.  In order to accommodate this refugee, my car has to get pushed back another 5 feet due to the length of his gas guzzler.  Multiply that equation several times over to account for all these Middle Eastern bastards on the road, and before you know it, I’m all the way back at my fucking house!   Thanks Obama.   Unless we are planning on building a separate Syrian roadway, these people need to go pound sand, and from the map I’m looking at, they got plenty of that to go around.

Edelman to play this week?


New England Patriots WR Julian Edelman broke his foot Sunday in the game vs the New York Giants.  Reports have him sidelined for an extensive period of time, but Julian thought otherwise as we caught him heading into surgery.  “I am going  into surgery now,” he said from his gurney at Boston Medical Center.  “I’ll resume running in the morning, then begin a karate regimen later on in the week.  I’ll play Sunday.” We assumed Edelman was just yapping due to the pain killers he had ingested, but the doctor said otherwise.  “Julian is unlike any patient we have ever had here,” stated Dr. Mirham Rahimi, the surgeon on call.  “He’s fucked up in the head.  He actually enjoys pain. He brought his helmet with him and we obliged him by taking turns beating him about the cranium until he wasn’t able to correctly state what day it was.  He had an orgasm during this procedure.  He also refused to take the pain killers till we convinced him that the toxins from the medicine would get inside his body and eat the shit out of his liver. He loved the sound of that.  He requested if  he could stay awake during the surgery and if we didn’t mind him doing 500 sit ups while we operated.  We even found a catheter up his ass that he had inserted while we were on break.  It was double knotted around his colon.  Who does that?”

Common core math pisses off 5 out of 4 parents

Common Core, the national standard for learning and teaching our youngsters is pissing off parents left and right. Many parents that are familiar with actual math say that the new standard for teaching our new generation is mediocre at best.

An example of how stupid common core math is can be summed up in just a handful of homework assignments that have been leaked to the Beantown Beatdown.

Question 1.

How do you make 10 from 8+5?

The answer is this , 8+2= 10 with 3 left over. If you tried to explain this logic to a drug user, you’d end up bleeding to death on the floor of your apartment with a slit throat.  Hookers also don’t care for common core bullshit.  A hand job is 25 dollars, if you carry anything over, they’ll just take it as a tip and toss in a wet finger or two up your anus.  Any normal human being would say 8+5 can never equal 10.


Question 2.

If Sam rides the bus to school everyday but Micheal walks to school, whose mom is hotter?

The answer is Micheal.  Sam is taking the bus on the state’s dime, which leads us to the conclusion that his mom is a heroin addict and can’t get her shit together.

Question F. See what we mean?


Fake Craigslist ad of the week November 19th 2015

Baby items for sale – Cambridge

We have a lot of baby items for sale including a crib, car seat, clothing etc. We decided not to bring the child into a world with people that blow each other up so we went over to the abortion clinic instead.

Bernie Sanders talks free college

Sanders and Clinton play uncle sam says
Candidates were asked to “Make a W with their arms”

During Saturday nights’ Democratic Presidential Debate, Bernie Sanders D-VT unveiled his highly anticipated free college plan.

Under the plan, anyone in the USA will be awarded a scholarship to a four-year college or university. Under this model he estimates that 100% of America will enroll in higher education. As questions arise as to who will pay for the “free college” Mr. Sanders simply said, “People.”

The big question regarding the free college policy is what’s in it for all the former college graduates? Mr. Sanders put our minds at ease when he stated that the policy would be retroactive going back to 1776. Per his policy anyone who ever attended college or had ancestors that attended will be reimbursed 100%. Crunching the numbers on this one seems pretty difficult, but soon I’ll be a wicked smart math genius who graduated Harvard fo’ free.

Another controversial Sanders plan is the “who will police the police policy” in which the police are policed by citizens. We asked Mr. Sanders to clarify asking, “If we’re the police policing the police then who will police the police policing the police?” To which he replied, “The Coast Guard.”

Jason Paul Pierre attempting to do the impossible?

Jason Paul Pierre, the N.Y. Giants defensive end who lost a finger in a fireworks incident over the summer, was attempting to do something no man in NFL history has even done.  Bring down God, otherwise known as Tom Brady, with one hand.  We spoke to Physiologist Tom Brillkens who had this to say.  Jason will find it very difficult to play with his condition.  The game moves so fast, I just don’t see how he can do it.”  We asked if one finger really meant that much to a football player.  “I’m not talking about that condition, I’m referring to trying to play the game of football when the incident proves he’s a complete idiot. Most people see fire and run.  Jason’s brain is so much slower, he goes toward the fire, in fact he actually makes the fire, holds onto it, all this despite everyone yelling ‘what the fuck are you doing?’,  and only when there is an explosion and parts of his body are flying around does he run.  It’s utter stupidity.  I knew Brady would have a field day with this guy on the field.”   We were more interested in the playing football with less fingers angle, so we pressed Tom on this factor.  “We looked into that as well.  We ran a test last week.  We grabbed about five guys off the street, paid them a few bucks to take part in our experiment; whereupon we attached sticks of dynamite to their genitals, toes and fingers.  Then we ran them through a series of football like drills; we tackled them, kicked them, dove on top of them, shoved their bloody missing digits into the space in their helmets.  Overall, they did not perform very well.  The scientists I work with are horrible athletes, but we won that game going away.”