Are Baseball Players Wussies?
A study recently performed shows that baseball players are more likely to possess the gene that induces pussiness than other athletes. Chuck Jones, a statistician who works out of Stats n’ Cigarettes, a convenient store in Revere Massachusetts that Chuck has double as a stats lab, had this to say, as customers waited impatiently at the register while it was being used to compute analysis for the study. “I’ll be right with you,” said Chuck as he showed me the tables for the study. “Baseball players missed 10 percent of their games due to unquantifiable injuries last year. By that I mean, the player says he’s out, the trainer asks why, and the players says in a whiny voice, ‘Cuz it hurts.’ They also miss games due to wives giving birth or funerals. It’s a bunch of shit. Football players on the other hand,” he said as he opened the register draw and pulled out several large pie charts, “are much tougher.”
A customer approached the front of the line and asked when the seminar would end so he could purchase an enema. Jones told him, “Sit yo ass down and do some learning. Now take Exhibit A, cornerback Malcolm Jenkins. Jenkins played the Vikings last year, and in the second quarter, his wife gave birth to triplets. Did Jenkins attend the birth? Jenkins didn’t even miss a snap. Three minutes after the birth, Jenelle Jones died at the age of 26 from trauma due to childbirth. Peoples was questioning if Jenkins should have attended the birth. Jenkins later said, “I sure was glad I wasn’t in there to witness all that shit!” Or take the case of Smarty Retono, a backup snapper for the Brown. He played in a Thursday night game vs the Panthers, despite his entire family having been slaughtered in their beds the night before. Retono said he was woken by blood curdling screams, and no matter how hard he tried, he could not fall back to sleep. ‘I kept thinking about the game, it was keeping me up.’ Retono played that day, while three baseball players were out due to trauma after watching their newborn get circumcised.” I asked Chuck if he could ring up my groceries now, but he was already pulling out new charts showing the dick sizes of NBA All Stars vs those of players who sit on the bench.
Related: C.C. Sabathia enters alcohol rehab, no word on when he’ll learn how to correctly wear a hat.