Fat People on Airlines To Get Weighed?

A movement is taking place in Europe that will force fat people to pay what they weigh at the airport.  The movement, started by skinny people, is gaining ground and it is expected that the US airlines, never ones to shy away from making more money from their duplicitous scales, will jump on board as well.

Delta Airlines has stated that they are instituting an “All passengers must eat this cheeseburger before standing on the scale” Policy and several other airlines have considered changing their names to go along with the new pay what you weigh policy. Jet Blue will now be Jet Cellulite.  TWA will remain TWA, but it will stand for Those Wide Asses.  United Airlines will become U Big Fucking Load Airline$.  Frontier Airlines has already begun to market their airline towards fat customers, replacing the back section of the plane with a make – your- own sundae bar, and ripping out the first class seats and replacing them with bean bag chairs.  The big loser in all this is the airline janitor who has to clean up the self induced vomit from all the cheap skate fatties as they prepare to head towards the scales.

The business model is expected to be a bigger success than the now defunct Ethiopian Airlines Pay What You Weigh Program which saw a net loss of -270$ per plane load of passengers.

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Fake Craigslist ad of the week October 28th 2015

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Lawn mower and misc. For Sale (Woburn)

I have for sale, 2013 craftsman 25hp riding lawn mower, $250 o.b.o. This lawnmower is immaculate it has a mulching deck and other features that my neighbor goes on and on about. It seems to run better at night while I’m trying to sleep. Call me so I can get rid of this fucking thing. Also up on the chopping block is my other neighbor’s Chainsaw, this thing runs like a dream all god damn day… All I hear … Brppp brppp brpp. Make an offer. His kid also has one of them 4 wheeler things, that he rides all over my grass. 400$ buys all my neighbors shit.

Scariest places in Massachusetts

In honor of Halloween here is a list of the scariest places in Massachusetts. Please note these are the scariest places ranked on the Beantown scale and not necessarily the scariest places as ranked by Trip Advisor.

The troughs at Fenway

Location:  Fenway Park.

Backstory, ok picture you’re about 7 years old. Now picture your at a baseball game and have to take a pee-pee. Imagine the horror when you step into the bathroom and pull out your little peanut to pee and see that the only thing to urinate into looks like an old tub and their are old men with their “Elephant Snouts” all surrounding your peanut.

Upham Corner.

Location:  Dorchester Massachusetts.

Backstory, Picture yourself in the worst neighborhood in Iraq, now switch out the Arabs with minorities and bam!

Salem Massachusetts

Location: Duh Salem.

Backstory, back in the 1600’s the Salem witch trials were all the rage, now in the 2000’s dressing like a hotdog and marching around chanting shit is the new fad. This location can go either way as 70% of the time you see creepy ass old men dressed up as Smurfs and 30% of the time you see hot chicks dressed in nothing but their undies.

Greg Hardy has sideline spat with Dez Bryant!

The Dallas Cowboy circus continued yesterday as Greg Hardy and Dez Bryant were seen on camera screaming at each.  Hardy recently returned to the team after a long suspension due to domestic violence, so it was strange seeing him actually fight with a man for a change.  It appears from the sideline audio that Greg mistakenly thought Bryant’s first name was Desi.  The exchange went like this:

Bryant:  Calm down bitch, calm your shit down.

Hardy:  Who you calling bitch, bitch!

Bryant:  What , you ain’t a bitch?  Slapping little girls around, that sounds like a bitch to me.

Hardy:  Come here, I’ll unhook your bra and choke you with the straps.

Bryant:  What?

Hardy:  I’ll make a sling shot with your panties and shoot my rock hard bunions at your sweet little muffin you slut whore.

Bryant:  Greg?  You in there?

Hardy:  You want to get pregnant you flat titted ho?  I’ll pump seed into your birth hole and then mutate dat shit by stoving your stomach in with my foot.

Bryant:  Security!!  Stadium security!  Help!

State police pull over distracted driver who was “this close” to something big

 

A state trooper pulled over a vehicle on 93 south in Dorchester Monday morning after noticing the driver was talking on his cellphone.

As the trooper approached the vehicle he noted that the driver also had numerous books and a notebook on the passenger side seat.

The driver, 35 year old John Bitniky was cited for distracted driving, but has reached out to us to tell us his side of the story.

“I was real close,” he said. “I mean I’ve been working on this since Vermont.” We asked what in the hell he was talking about he said, “I almost had it then I got pulled over, I would have changed the world you know?”

Then he gave us the overview. On a ride from Burlington Vermont to Braintree, Bitniky decided he could shave some boredom off his trip if he tried solving a problem the world faced. At fifteen minutes in, he pulled out a notepad and pen and started reading several books about modern medicine all while taking notes, When he got to New Hampshire he was making some good progress and started talking to the CDC as he crossed into Massachusetts.

Then as he was working feverishly he got pulled over. He said, “I was actually only one or two more miles away from a cure for AIDS.”

At first we were somewhat skeptical, and asked what about all your notes? Can’t you just go back and finish it? Bitniky claims the only way he’d be able to make such progress would be to repeat the trip.

We did a little research on Bitniky ourselves and confronted him with his driving record. Every single offense he said could be explained.

Driving under the influence, Bitniky claims he was working on a safer way to transport alcohol.

Speeding over 65, Bitniky says this was a very scientific experiment in which he was attempting to go back in time to November 5th 1955 to save his friend Doc Brown, And he needed to hit 88MPH to do so.

Fake Craigslist ad of the week October 21, 2015

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Missed connections

casual encounters M4W Chinatown area.

I ride on subway, I see you, you hot girl I carrying hot smelly octopus you carrying big fish in sack. You come over my house I show you how do sex.  You look nice I make rice balls you eat them, then we have super happy sexy time.

在姜蒜末 很好看沙门氏菌!

 不想做梦的人了!这

活火山k!在

很好的不能急死 i 我

 

More Colts Trick Plays?

More Indianapolis Colts Trick Plays Discovered

Our van pulled up quietly next to the Colts offices Monday night and broke in through a window that had been left open.  We discovered several more trick plays the Colts are going to unveil in the next several weeks.

  1. The play is called Chemo.  What happens is just before the snap, QB Andrew Luck peers over to the sideline to figure out what the commotion is.  It appears Head Coach and Resident Ding Dong Chuck Pagano is having complications from the cancer that he beat a few years ago.  Chuck is frothing at the mouth and bent over in agony.  The whole thing is a ruse.  Andrew rushes over to assist, whereupon the ball is snapped to the fullback, and he attempts to throw downfield against a surprised and sympathetic defense.  According to the practice notes, results are mixed.  Several touchdowns have been scored, but what often occurs is the defense just blitzes and whales the shit out of the fullback, leading one to wonder if the defense hates their coach. 
  2. The play is called Me Sucky Sucky.  The punter receives the snap, and punts the ball two feet in the air, then exclaims, “oh my, me sucky sucky.”  Giving up field position is not great, but the next time the punter comes out, the opponent doesn’t line anyone up deep to receive, giving the punter an opportunity to blast the ball deep. 
  3. The play is called What the Fuck.  Indy lines up with one offensive lineman, two punters and a long snapper.  Andrew Luck goes out for a pass without a helmet on. A shirtless Frank Gore takes the snap and whips the ball backwards out of the end zone so the other team gets two points.  Everyone in the stands shouts, “What the Fuck!”  Indy’s plan works, according to the notes, because the other team is now going to be overconfident.

NFL network shows cock and balls on live tv

NFL network goes “live” to the Cincinnati Bengals locker room and broadcasts buck ass naked team.

What else do we have to say? This story kinda writes it’s self. Here’s a clip of some naked football players as it was aired.

Video courtesy YouTube.

Bernie Sanders polling well due to mistaken identity 

Bernie Sanders has been polling ridiculously well recently, all due to misinformed Americans.

bernie sanders does not own kfc
We went for a stroll this past weekend in the North End and conducted a brief survey here’s some of the low lights.

Question:

Who is Bernie Sanders?

Answer:

The owner of KFC.

Question:

Why would Sanders make a good President?

Answer:

Because he’s a war hero from Kentucky.

Question:

What is Bernie Sanders most appealing policy.

Answer:

That if they mess up your order, they have to give you a free pie and 2 liter Pepsi product.

Question:

If Bernie Sanders is elected President what would change?

Answer:

They might get rid of the $5 big box.
(As you can see most Americans confuse Bernie Sanders with Colonel Sanders.)

Question:

What’s the biggest mistake Bernie Sanders has ever made, in your opinion?

Answer:

Probably when he put Taco Bells in with KFC.

Question:

Do you know that Bernie Sanders is not the owner of KFC?

Answer:

Are you fucking kidding me? Who is he then?

Kate Hudson doesn’t know how a dress works

Kate Hudson made the trending news over the past 48 hours, getting trapped in her dress while trying to pee.  In most of America this classifies as a shithead move that people hide from; in Hollywood it trends as news.

It appears from the Instagram photos online that the starlet pulled the dress over her head to go number one, and then realized she could not escape.  We asked several women if this occurs often, and we were told that most dresses do not require a pull over in order to take a leak, a shit, a tampon change, a douche, a pre-wash, a rub, a finger job, a fluffer, a snappy sanchez, a reach around rim job, or a mucky lambchop. As always when you ask a female a question, more detail than we needed, but we get the point.

The questions left unanswered were  (show picture by clicking here) why Kate urinates in the sink, whether or not she took the piss into the dress, and lastly how can we get our hands on the item, or has it already been sealed in a case at Planet Hollywood with the only access to it being a round sniff hole in the glass.

Related: is it worse to be an actress trapped in a dress or a model trapped in Bill Cosby’s bedroom?