Goodell as the Messiah?

Embattled NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell plans to have his face lifted later this week.   He told us, “I can’t go out in public without being barraged by angry fans, so I’m going to change my appearance.   It’s relentless, when I travel to New England, all people do is make hissing noises, like the sound air makes when it comes out of a ball.  Then I travel to Baltimore, step into an elevator and whammo, I get knocked to the floor and then dragged outside the doors by thugs.  I went down south and a bunch of Dads cornered me in an alley and whipped me with a switch, then put a diaper on me and crammed my bleeding torso into a baby crib.  But the harshest was out in San Francisco, where I got anally wrecked in a hotel room.”  Curious, we asked, “What was the point of that?  The first three events match up with things that took place in the league regarding the team in that area; what message is taking it up the pipe in SF sending to anyone?”

Goodell seemed to stutter for a minute, then departed quickly.  His staff, stunned by the awkward situation, simply stated that, “Roger may have confused a night of rough sex with some league matters.”  We asked the staff to provide possible appearance changes that we might see on Roger once the face lift surgery is over.  The staff replied, “Hes’ going for the Jesus look.  Long hair, goatee, gentle nose, and a halo over his head.  He’s also going to lose the suit, and walk around in a robe and sandals.  He’ll still attend games, but instead of the press box, he’s going to hover over the stadium.  Every third day he will disappear, then he will reappear in a different city.  He’s also going to subsist on only bread and wine.  He thinks that will end the persecution.”  We spoke with several fans in New England, and they had this to say.  “Jesus!  Are you fucking kidding me?  Goodell as Jesus? Good, we can kill him again.”

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