Amid new tensions, Russia/US dial up the rhetoric

After several months of rising tensions and provocative moves by Moscow, including flying TU-95 Big Bear Bombers off both the east and west coast, and supplying the Assad regime with military support in Syria, all of which the U.S. has condemned. The U.S. is starting to unleash its fiercest warning to Russia since the Cold War: We will no longer accept mail order brides from Russia. 

the Russian Army’s Bride Brigade
That’s right folks, the U.S. has informed the USPS, FedEx and, UPS that they can no longer deliver the Russian brides or any “propaganda” brochures that falsely advertise them and sell them.

We understand that it’s every fat losers dream of ordering a muscular, hairy female that can both out play them in hockey and bench press tractor trailers to come to the states and share their parents basement with them, but that dream is now in jeopardy.

Secretary of State John Kerry, whose face looks like a big toe, had this to say, “I love hairy European women just as much as anyone else, but until Moscow cuts back on its hostile actions, we need to do something drastic.”

Most of these mail order whores are from the Saint Petersburg area of Russia, and generally look like supermodels until they arrive in the U.S.; at which point they more or less resemble Sally Struthers (not the young one from All in the Family, the gross one from Children’s Miracle Network).

So for now all you horny fat losers will no longer be ordering Russian, you’ll have to settle for young Filipino boys.

In response to the embargo on mail order brides from Russia, Vladimir Putin issued the following statement, “Is ok US no want our beautiful girls, we can send to Canada.”

When reached for comment, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper said, “We would always backup any decision the U.S. has made in relation to Russia, and we also would not be accepting any Russia mail order brides, our country is already full of hairy smelly hockey playing women as well as a current overwhelming amount of smelly Muslims from the Middle East.”


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