New information on dust mites

Eric Mold, an expert on dust mites, has discovered new information on the creatures in his lab located in the South End of Boston. “I was looking at the dust mites on my pillow with a compound microscope, which I have been using for years.  Then I stole.. .I mean, was granted the use of a scanning electron microscope from MIT, and I was able to see much more clearly what is going on with this magnificent species.  Not only are they crawling around in our beds and burrowing into the scales of our skin,” said Eric, as the staff and I began to get the skeeves, “they are also taking hourly shits on us too.”

Eric smiled, as if he had somehow just broken good news to his listeners.  “And do you know what those shits do?” asked Eric as I vomited into a nearby bucket.  “They make these dust mites horny as hell, which result in these creatures having orgies on your skin, right on top of the fresh feces that they just laid.  An orgasmic, shit spattered, sopping wet ball of ejaculatory waste right on your sleeping bod.   After further analysis through the microscope,I noticed that the ejaculatory matter was made up of micro dust mites who in turn shit and fuck, which then breeds even smaller dust mites and this process continues all the way down to the molecular level where I was able to witness a proton fuck an electron and the process started all over again!!   Now if that doesn’t have you running for the covers, I don’t think anything will!” said Eric as he plopped his head on the pillow and curled up for an afternoon nap.

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Somerville icon dies

Somerville Massachusetts icon Francis ‘That cocksucker owes me two dollars ‘ Johnson passed away on Wednesday, he was 72.

Johnson became an icon in Somerville after returning home following four combat tours in Vietnam.

Johnson spent his days walking down the streets shaking his head and hands while mumbling “That cocksucker owes me two dollars ” which earned him his nickname. Many folks in town loved cocksucker owes me two dollars Johnson and often bought him coffee and donuts at Dunkin Donuts, or a few beers at the Somerville City Club.

In recent years cocksucker owes me two dollars Johnson has had some competition from Eric “Gotta a quarter?” Grandgeorge and Brian “I fucking saw that –  you son of a bitch” Peterson, for the title of town icon. Johnson is survived by his only living family member, his niece Nancy “I’ll suck yo’dick for some crack” Johnson.

NFL to Suspend Brady this season? 

Just when you thought it was safe to travel to a Pats game, the NFL is again turning up the heat on Tom Brady.  This time the league is trying to flip the appeal that was handed down in late August, and have it done sometime during the season to force Brady to sit out four games.

Brady practices his suspension
Brady practices his suspension

The NFL’s reason for going after one of its highest profile players?  Simple.  A chance for four of its teams to win a bleeping game.  Currently the Colts Ravens and Seahawks are 0-2 and their QB’s have looked like dried up dog shit.  This week the Patriots play the Jacksonville Jaguars. The Jags have appealed to the NFL for some assistance in the game as they expect to get thoroughly smoked.  We discovered the list after hacking into the NFL’s computers, using the username Goodell, and the password Fuckt0mbrady!.

Dear NFL Officers,

Could you allow us to play with 13 players on defense, and as a concession, we will just use 12 on offense?

Can our linebackers place shanks inside their socks for use in the large piles?

Can we have a few extra time-outs?

Are snipers allowed at Gillette? We believe we can hit the target you suggested on the field a lot easier than at his house, which has a moat and numerous exit ways.

E! Entertainment making changes after lawsuit

After a lawsuit filed earlier this month in Los Angeles District Court, E! Entertainment is set to spend 400 billion dollars to edit every single episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians to reflect the transitioning of Caitlynn Jenner.

The station is set to have any and all references to Bruce Jenner changed to Caitlynn.  All crotch shots will be edited by using a process known as smushing.  The footage is cropped and pushed inward, so the crotch area looks more vaginous. It is expected to take roughly one year to complete the editing.

In any given episode someone says the name Bruce approximately 27 times.  In what appears to be a proactive approach the network has hired several kindergarten children to doodle a woman’s face onto the previously aired footage therefore destroying all traces of Mr/Mrs. Jenner.

5 year old Eric Cropperdusters rendering for E!
5 year old Eric Cropperdusters rendering for E!

Malden mans video of a fucking fish goes viral

Mike Bergin of Malden, has become an overnight internet sensation after a video he posted to Facebook went viral.

 

ocean sunfish or Mola Mola, or as mikey calls it “that fucking fish”

In the video, Mike and his friend Jay Foster come across a saltwater sunfish (these are not that rare) the video itself is completely hilarious for several reasons.

Within the first minute and a half Mike says “it’s a fucking sea turtle.” Followed 10 seconds later by “it’s a baby fucking whale.” (It appears Jay thought so and convinced Mike) then, “I don’t know what the fuck that is kid, what the fuck is that thing?” Dominated about 90% of the next minute, followed by “it’s hurt Jay, we gotta save it!” Mike convinced Jay that they needed to help the sunfish, then for some strange reason Jay said “it’s a flounder”  followed by Mike telling Jay, “we gotta catch that fucking thing are you fucking kidding me?” And “Jay that things dying, tell me that ain’t good meat on that fish kid…are you shitting me?

As an avid fisherman, my response to watching this video and Mikes reaction to the sunfish was akin to someone who saw a squirrel and was describing a wolverine and thinking they found Bigfoot.

 

How could we live without this shit

As I was killing time cruising the inter-web I found numerous items for sale that made me wonder who decided we needed these, and who the fuck decided to make them.

I know a lot of great products may have started off looking a bit ridiculous, like the frisbee or hula hoop, but seriously take a look at these gems.

I can't imagine any fashion savvy girl not owning one of these in at least three colors

What the fuck!! The name of this thing kind of eludes to it being made in China; too many adjectives “Portable female women’s” as opposed to the “Stationary male women’s” but I guess “Super terrific happy girl piss time” was already taken so…

I honestly don’t know if humanity can survive another day without whatever the fuck this does:

Yeah, I need like 100 of these
Yeah, I need like 100 of these

what a bargain at only $1 huh…

Let me set the tone right for this next one.

You’ve been busting your ass all day at work, you really need to relax, nothing in the world would feel better than a…

Yeah my chin is always sore...
Yeah my chin is always sore…

Did you notice how this kinda looks like an electric version of the female piss thing? Me too.

I don’t think I’ve ever said to anyone ever in my life “Oh my god, my chin is killing me, if only there was a way to massage it.”

Have you ever wanted to shit and play golf at the same time? Look no further than this thing:

Now you really do play a shitty round of golf
Now you really do play a shitty round of golf

Okay folks that’s my list for this week, check back to see what else I find.

Leave a comment if you’ve ever bought or used one of these ridiculous items or if you have seen some other stupid shit that should have been listed.

Thanks.

Patriots Cheating Again?

The Patriots have taken on two worthy opponents thus far this season, with balls we assume are properly inflated, and have scored over 70 points.  No one can explain it, we know they are cheating , said one player who did not want to be identified by his name, which is Aaron Williams.  “But we can’t figure out what they are doing. We took every precaution in the books, swept the hotel for bugs, ripped up all our play sheets, spoke in hush tones near the locker room, yet we still can’t beat those sons of bitches.” Our staff dug deeper and figured out the secret to this season’s early success.  Everyone is focused on the ball, and how much air in the ball, and all the Spygate rumors, and they are forgetting what really determines who wins and loses.  We rated all the players on all the teams, added up their values and divided by the number of players on the team.  A mean value of 72 on a 100 scale would net you an average rating, or an 8-8 record.  What we found was startling.  There are 32 teams in the league, and 31 of them fucking suck.

So yes the Patriots could be cheating, perhaps they are spiking their Gatorade with California Chronic or using cleats that have longer studs than are allowed or are smearing their jerseys with Brady’s sperm.  But it is the other 31 teams, who instead of trying to catch the Patriots in some untoward act, should be bending every rule in the book to win a game.  The Pats played the Bills yesterday.  The Bills know the Pats push the envelope with the rules.  The Bills committed 14 penalties, yet none of the penalties resulted in a Patriots player’s death.  Murder is not listed in the NFL rules glossary.  We looked it up, there is no mention of it.  The Bills had the entire Patriots team right there in front of them, and failed to kill or even maim any of them.  I should mention the word spree is not in the book either, so when the Bills complain the Pats have a lot of weapons, well, you could have eliminated all of them with a small suitcase nuke, a term which I guarantee you is not in the rule book.  The Bills also never used any automobiles on the field of play.  Again, no mention of the word automobile in the NFL rule book, so why not drive your Buick out there and chase some Patriots corners around with your fucking car??   Until these teams figure this stuff out, the Pats are going to roll.

Fake Craigslist ad of the week

IMG_0155
Ruining Underoos just for you

Craigslist: Missed connections

I saw you at the most intimate time, we were both at the laundroMat in Chelsea. I was putting my clothes in the wash as you were putting yours in the dryer. You noticed that I was scrubbing shit stains out of my underwear and told me that the way the light from the exit sign hit the steel wool of the S.O.S.pad made my eyes look beautiful. I wish we had more time to talk, but I had just ruined more underwear.

Tell me what you said it smelled like I ate for lunch in your reply

Looking to hookUp and maybe ruin more underwear and some sheets.

P.S. I lent you 75¢ for fabric softener, and I need that back.

Hit me up

1-617-742-****

Stop Shooting Cops

Stop shooting cops!

We are facing a turning point in society where people feel that it’s ok to shoot police officers. Seriously? What is wrong with you people? I understand that there have been shootings of unarmed black men around the country, but does it mean that every cop has bad judgment? No of course not, what it means is a few nut jobs got through the process of becoming a police officer.

People have hated the police for longer than I’ve been on this earth, it’s not an easy job by any means, you have to see a man beat his wife, save a burning baby and then deal with people who don’t like or respect you because of what you do for a living.

If you are angry and start violent protests because “there’s no economic development in the neighborhood” maybe don’t burn the fucking place to the ground, ain’t nobody got time for that shit! Do you really think the “If you burn it they will come” philosophy is working? All you are doing is hurting yourself and future generations, you are securing no opportunities for employment.

I have witnessed the racial divide in America when I moved to the south. White people hate black people, black people hate white people and both hated me because I was a “Yankee.”   I am color blind.  I grew up in a neighborhood where it didn’t matter the color of your skin, but rather the integrity of your character.

As for shooting police officers, well if you thought they were trigger happy and made poor judgment calls, how do you think this whole situation will play out? Have you ever felt your life threatened? It doesn’t feel too good, now picture that feeling all day and night for the rest of your career.  More innocent people are going to die, all because someone said, “Let’s kill cops.”

To the residents of Ferguson Missouri, cut the shit! Was Michael Brown a fine young outstanding citizen? Was he worth burning your city for? Do you think if he was in your shoes he would do the same thing? No he wouldn’t because he was a selfish little punk who beat the shit out of an elderly man and posted the video to YouTube. If there is a poster child for innocence it is not Mike Brown. In my opinion you no longer deserve to have a police department, fuck it, fend for yourselves. When someone steals your car or hurts your family member, call your local Black Lives Matter Chapter and have them solve the crime for you!

Residents of Baltimore, you burned your city and caused millions of dollars worth of damage to your neighborhood, again this is not a very proactive way to better your community.  If you were out of work before the riot because there were no jobs, now look, you destroyed what little jobs you had.

My closing statement is this, it’s ok to not like something, but if you do things to make the situation worse then you have no one to blame but yourself, if you don’t like the police, don’t call them, don’t aggravate the situation. And if you really really hate the USA then move some place else, see ya!

Goodell as the Messiah?

Embattled NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell plans to have his face lifted later this week.   He told us, “I can’t go out in public without being barraged by angry fans, so I’m going to change my appearance.   It’s relentless, when I travel to New England, all people do is make hissing noises, like the sound air makes when it comes out of a ball.  Then I travel to Baltimore, step into an elevator and whammo, I get knocked to the floor and then dragged outside the doors by thugs.  I went down south and a bunch of Dads cornered me in an alley and whipped me with a switch, then put a diaper on me and crammed my bleeding torso into a baby crib.  But the harshest was out in San Francisco, where I got anally wrecked in a hotel room.”  Curious, we asked, “What was the point of that?  The first three events match up with things that took place in the league regarding the team in that area; what message is taking it up the pipe in SF sending to anyone?”

Goodell seemed to stutter for a minute, then departed quickly.  His staff, stunned by the awkward situation, simply stated that, “Roger may have confused a night of rough sex with some league matters.”  We asked the staff to provide possible appearance changes that we might see on Roger once the face lift surgery is over.  The staff replied, “Hes’ going for the Jesus look.  Long hair, goatee, gentle nose, and a halo over his head.  He’s also going to lose the suit, and walk around in a robe and sandals.  He’ll still attend games, but instead of the press box, he’s going to hover over the stadium.  Every third day he will disappear, then he will reappear in a different city.  He’s also going to subsist on only bread and wine.  He thinks that will end the persecution.”  We spoke with several fans in New England, and they had this to say.  “Jesus!  Are you fucking kidding me?  Goodell as Jesus? Good, we can kill him again.”