The state of Massachusetts, acting on several false advertising claims by consumers, is legally forcing the Dollar Stores and other stores of its kind to change their names by the end of the week. “Not everything is a dollar in there,” said Frank Bhomer, a legal analyst who works out of his parent’s cellar, “yet the sign indicates it’s all a dollar. In fact, one could argue that an idiot might assume the entire inventory could be purchased for four quarters, only to find out later that he needs to cough up another seventeen bucks in loose cash to purchase the entire franchise.”
Not only are lawmakers forcing the name change, they are supplying the store with the names it must choose. “As of this point,” said Wayne Clearance, a dollar store operator in Methuen, “we can choose between the names ‘Nothing Good in Here’ or my current front runner, although I’m not psyched about it….’Bins O’ Shit.; I mean come on, that ain’t good for business; we got nice stuff in here,” said Wayne as he attempted to shoo away several garbage men who had inadvertently pulled up to the store and were piling racks and shelves into the back of the trash truck.
“The word shit on the sign, that’s not cool either; plus it’s going to bring in the FCC and result in monetary fines. And when we send in the money in loose change, they flip out about that too.” We pointed out that the FCC handled radio and TV communication, but Wayne said it stood for Fucking Crap Commission, so we weren’t going to argue.