Tom Brady’s now famous declaration that he destroys his cell phones every 5 months has now become a sick obsession. “It’s almost like he thinks everyone thinks he’s a liar so he’s going beyond what is normal to make himself look like he’s telling the truth,” said Judith Farmer of the Apple Store in Foxboro.
We asked her to explain, “We sold him a phone on Tuesday, on Wednesday he came back and said he needed a new one. He handed me 17 pieces of an iPhone that looked like it was run thru a NutriBullet and then passed onto Aaron Hernandez for the Final Solution. Then he came back the next day and poured phone dust into my hand, and ordered a new iPhone 6. Then he comes back an hour later, says the new phone is so destroyed he can only give me a few particles that are left over from the destruction he caused to it. He placed three atoms and an electron into my palm, which caused a very painful shock to me, and I plan to sue his ass as soon as I can.”
Judith continued to bitch. “Then today he came in and smashed an entire row of phones we had on display, claiming he needed to practice his phone destruction for the upcoming family plan that he was going to purchase. He was jumping up and down on the phones, taking steaming hot pisses on them; he even took one in the bathroom and when he came back out his zipper was down and the phone’s holes were bigger than before.”
We reached out to Mr. Brady for comment, he answered ‘hello’ then all we could hear was the sound of a wood chipper and the call was dropped.