Local man saves big on cable

Lynn Massachusetts – Local car thief and all around shyster, Johnny O’Shea, has saved himself the trouble of having to fork over $300 a month to Comcast. We spoke to O’Shea at his Beacon Hill Ave. residence.

“Listen up,” he said, as he was prying the locks on his neighbors Toyota. “First off, you guys ain’t cops right?” Palaver pointed to SpEcIaL eD and said, “He’s pushing 400 pounds, aside from eating donuts does he look like a cop?” O’Shea seemed pleased by the response and said, “Yeah that fat fuck wouldn’t be able to catch an old bat on one of them motorized wheelchair things.”

SpEcIaL eD asked “Okay I get it, but what we want to know is how you are getting free cable; how is it you cut Comcast out of the loop? I think everyone wants free cable, but you managed to actually get it.”  O’Shea said, “Follow me boys,” and headed to the side of his house.

“You see those wires coming off the telephone poles and onto my house?” We nodded yeah, “Okay now pay attention, fuck those wires, do you see the wires coming off the telephone pole on my neighbors house?” Again we nodded yeah, “Okay so here’s how you do it,” he said, “first dig a trench from your neighbor’s house to yours, then as soon as those fuckers leave for work, connect a splitter to their cable and run the cable into the trench, and hook it up to your house, easy peezy.”

Palaver then asked the follow up question, “Yeah, but what about HBO ‘n shit?”

O’Shea simply said, “Oh they got that.” Then he said, “Hey fellas, I gotta take a wicked piss, why don’t you take a look and see if you can find the trench?” We nodded and started our search, and about two minutes in we turned to see O’Shea driving off in our ice cream truck shouting, “Ha, you stupid fucks, I’m a world class car thief, not a cable installer!”

Related: Beantown Beatdown looking for new vehicle.


Katrina ten years later

10 years ago Hurricane Katrina stormed through Louisiana, inciting panic, looting, flooding and death upon the city.

Now ten years later we look back to remember the heart dropping moments such as when Wolf Blitzer announced on live TV that “So many of these people are so poor and so black.”
Here’s the video of that.


Wolf Blitzer is so white and so dumb
Or when Barbara Bush visited the Superdome and said, “Oh, they seem happy, I mean it’s better than what they’re used to.”

Or when Kanye West said, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.”

And let’s not forget when Wolf Blitzer said, ” So many of these people are so poor and so black.”
Click here to watch that video again!

Mass Lawmakers Crack down hard on Dollar Stores

The state of Massachusetts, acting on several false advertising claims by consumers, is legally forcing the Dollar Stores  and other stores of its kind to change their names by the end of the week. “Not everything is a dollar in there,” said Frank Bhomer, a legal analyst who works out of his parent’s cellar, “yet the sign indicates it’s all a dollar. In fact, one could argue that an idiot might assume the entire inventory could be purchased for four quarters, only to find out later that he needs to cough up another seventeen bucks in loose cash to purchase the entire franchise.”

Not only are lawmakers forcing the name change, they are supplying the store with the names it must choose. “As of this point,” said Wayne Clearance, a dollar store operator in Methuen, “we can choose between the names ‘Nothing Good in Here’ or my current front runner, although I’m not psyched about it….’Bins O’ Shit.; I mean come on, that ain’t good for business; we got nice stuff in here,” said Wayne as he attempted to shoo away several garbage men who had inadvertently pulled up to the store and were piling racks and shelves into the back of the trash truck.

“The word shit on the sign, that’s not cool either; plus it’s going to bring in the FCC and result in monetary fines.  And when we send in the money in loose change, they flip out about that too.” We pointed out that the FCC handled radio and TV communication, but Wayne said it stood for Fucking Crap Commission, so we weren’t going to argue.

Caitlynn Jenner may face charges

Prosecutors announced last Thursday that they may seek vehicular manslaughter charges against Caitlynn Jenner.

Jenner was hauling an off-road vehicle on a trailer behind her Cadillac Escalade on Feb. 7 when she steered to avoid cars slowing for a traffic light in front of her on the Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu.  As a result, Caitlynn ended up killing another driver and injuring two others.  It should be noted that the other three victims were not transsexuals.  Lawyers for these victims made it clear they had each made a decision a long time ago to stick with the junk God gave them.

Lawyers for Jenner have said that this case is bogus citing that Caitlynn Jenner didn’t exist on February 7. “We have undisputed evidence that Caitlynn was not driving; she didn’t exist until April which is two whole months after the accident. What we should focus on is the the current location of Bruce Jenner, he was photographed at the scene and has since apparently fled.”

Had the accident occurred in April it would be a clear cut case for a number of reasons – number one the eye witnesses would remember seeing Caitlynn at the scene, and number two -science has proven women are horrible drivers, in fact the top three list of worst drivers is as follows:

1 Asian women

2 Asians

3 Women

Beantown legal analysts have said the case could be the first ever example of vehicular translaughter in the history of the world.

Another question that we must ask is:

What’s worse, being a man trapped in a woman’s body or being a women trapped in my basement?

Why America is doomed

You know what really tears my sphincter? The gentle pussification of America.

I was at the playground with my kid the other day and two things immediately came to mind when I laid eyes on the playground itself, first was obviously….shit… , homegrown terror. The second was the lack of physical harm my child could inflict upon himself as he played. What the fuck is happening? Where are the hot metal slides? Where are the merry-go- rounds?

When I was growing up it was a badge of honor to burn your ass on a hot slide, or puke your fucking brains out after someone spun the merry-go-round wicked fast. I look back at those days on the battlefield of youth and remember that a cast was the adolescent equivalent to a Purple Heart.

Now with my kid at the park, they have everything extra safe which means zero fun; if a kid can’t get hurt playing then how the fuck are they supposed to recognize cause and effect? Thirty years ago, if you fell out of a tree climbing it, no one cut down the fucking tree!  You simply needed to be better at climbing trees.

Hell even the games we played aren’t allowed anymore; dodge ball has been banned in some elementary schools and don’t get me started with cops and robbers or Cowboys and Indians. If your kid runs outside with a cap gun and fires it he might get killed because some stupid fuck called the cops to report a kid with a gun.

I can remember playing “Jarts” or lawn darts, the object was to fling a weighted arrow into a circle in the ground of the opposing team. That game was fucking fun, yeah it was like dodging artillery fire but lo and behold it was taken off the market.

These kids wearing knee pads and helmets to the park are no good for America, we need kids with giant sperm filled balls, not these half dick, half vagina boys afraid of getting a little boo boo.  In the end our country is fucked.

I can remember in school I loved history; sucked it right up, math too.  Grammar not so much but back then it was fine. Now they want to dumb the damn schools down so no one gets offended.

I’m telling you with people talking into their phones and making the phone do the typing…. Stupidest thing ever.

We are a seriously screwed people. Do you think ISIS gives two fucks what the little kids are playing with? They give them hand grenades and shit.

I see on Facebook all the time that people are too dumb and too lazy to keep America great. You’ve all seen it wtf, cuz, wat up… Ridiculous.  I had a delivery guy come to my house recently, he handed me the clipboard and asked for my John Hancock like this…. “Can I get your cock on here buddy?”  I said, “Don’t you guys carry those pens anymore?  Get me a patch of snow and I’ll whip you up a signature you dingbat.”

Most Americans can name more people on TV than they can US Presidents. How pathetic is that? I can ask any teenager when the next One Direction or Justin Beiber concert is and get an immediate answer, but if I ask them what happened on June 6,1944 they have no fucking clue.

Americans know all about the Kardashians and nothing about Dachau or Auschwitz. And ten to one says they have heard of Nagasaki or Hiroshima but have no clue what happened there.

SpEcIaL eD

Nicki Minaj Suffers Nip Slip During Vancouver Concert, City of Boston issues a strong warning

Singer Nikki Minaj’s left nipple fell out of her outfit during a concert on Monday, an outfit by the way that couldn’t hold my dick and balls in place if I double looped it around my package and then secured it with duct tape.

The previous weekend her concert was concluded earlier than anticipated due to a minor brawl. The city of Boston, on receiving this news, informed Nikki that the next time she comes through town, certain parameters must be met.

One is called the Dick Tease Clause and states that any nip slip had better be followed up by a grand viewing of famous Taj Minaj snatch and bunghole click here to see her bunghole so the crowd can orgasmically release in the comfort of their own chairs. Boston concert goers do not want to go home with blue balls; its straight to bed after a hard night of partying;  we ain’t got time to be drunkenly searching the cabinets for ointments and baby wipes at 2AM cuz Nikki couldn’t keep her tits in the holster.

The second parameter is the Fight to the Death Clause, which falls under the No Pussies Allowed Preamble to the Boston Constitution. Any and all brawls will not be ending any concerts prematurely; therefore and forthwith, Nikki will honor her contract and sing for the duration agreed to, whilst we Bostonians settle our business in the stands with whatever weapons we deem necessary.

As per article 2 section 4 of the Bostitution:
All performers must continue performing during any and all fights in the crowd to assure the following.
1. That all Bostonians are guaranteed a sound track for any and all fights and that any song a performer is currently performing must comply with Commonwealth Law paragraph 2 section 8 which states: Any and all fights in and around Boston must be accompanied by either Shipping up to Boston or Dirty Water; no other song shall be permitted.

Female version of Viagra approved

On Tuesday The Food and Drug Administration approved the first prescription drug designed to boost sexual desire in women.

The drug named Addyi needs to be taken daily for weeks or months before it works, much to the chagrin of Bill Cosby.

Lead researcher and chemist Tanya ‘I’ve set my vibrator to 100’ Smith said, “In all my years I’ve never once been in the mood, so this was really personal for me.”

We asked her if the pills were working for her and she said, “I went from the Saharan desert to the Pacific Ocean down there, if you know what I mean?” Which we could only follow up with one question; Does the Pacific Ocean have an airstrip or is your situation more like an archipelago? Her answer was “Are you asking me if I shave my parts?” We informed her that we were asking the questions here!


Click here too see an image of the female Viagra 

NBA player Matt Barnes of the Memphis Grizzlies has some ‘splaining’ to do

NBA player Matt Barnes has been making bold claims about dating Rihanna over the past week. The only problem is that Rihanna has no clue who he is. Nor do most NBA fans, but then again, Matt isn’t claiming to be banging

Barnes issued a statement yesterday clarifying the issue.  “I am not dating Rihanna,” he said as he tossed a photo of the pop singer, which we noted was covered in some sort of slime, into a barrel behind him.  He then took out a photo of Shakira, introduced the media to his new dame, then proceeded to grab a bottle of soft soap and headed into the men’s room with a large bulge in his pants.  He exited ten minutes later, and held another press conference where he stated that he was breaking up with Shakira, and was now in a serious relationship with click here to see Matt’s new love

Geno Smith had ass ripped open yesterday

NY Jet QB Geno Smith had surgery on his broken jaw late yesterday afternoon. “It’s minor surgery,” said Frank Bemoth, a surgeon at the hospital. “We take his jaw out, pass it around the room so everyone can hold it up to their mouth and take turns pretending they’re Geno and getting punched out. We have a lot of laughs. Then we put the jaw back in, covered in people’s germs, wire it shut and we’re pretty much done. He’s probably not too happy about it, but hey, what’s he gonna do, yell at us??? But then things got a little dicey.” Continue reading

Boston loses Olympic bid, will now pursue Special Olympics

The Beantown staff has uncovered some startling facts about the Boston Commission in charge of bringing the Olympics to Boston. They are now making a run at the Special Olympics in 2019. And the bid is not being made by the commission itself; it’s being made by the Special Olympics athletes themselves.

We spoke with Harvey Fritzenheimer, who was a member of the failed 2015 bid and asked to remain anonymous, but fuck him. Harvey had this to say, “All the Special Olympics Committees in the past have been run by people ‘without’ special needs. And it runs through the entire process, from the games, to the TV coverage to the facility management.

The recent LA games had every handsome glib ESPN wannabe announcer sticking his white teeth in the frame in an attempt to steal the games from the very people who should be the center of attention.

And the entire staff at the events themselves are made up of people with no discernible needs. Do we let the special olympians get in on the Winter
and Summer Olympic games? No, I didn’t think so, so let’s get the fuck away from their games! We’ve decided that our bid and the games themselves will
be handled by the Special Olympians. We chose ten of them to head up the bid committee, and then allowed the rest of them to divvy up all the announcing chores, the track and field set up, TV negotiations and gave them all the medals, the podiums, tickets and the bunting.  They’re on their own.  The rest of us are going to get the bleep out of their way, it’s time to put the ‘special’ in Special Olympics.”