How to NOT get shot by the police
As the nation is struggling with a rash of police shootings, some of which involve unarmed, innocent black men sneaking up on and then whaling the shit out of armed cops, we here at the Beantown Beatdown have compiled the following story in an effort to keep everyone safe.
If you get pulled over:
Pull your vehicle to the side of the road as soon as it is safe to do so and remain seated. Jumping outside the car and flailing your arms in disbelief that you got pulled over by “you communistic pig assholes” is a great way to take a bullet in the face.
Have your window rolled down.
Turn your fucking music down, the police aren’t interested in hearing ‘fuck the police’ by NWA while trying to do their jobs.
Place your hands on the steering wheel and in plain sight.
Start the conversation with, ‘Hello officer’ not ‘What the fuck’s the problem?’
If you happen to have anything that looks like a gun in or around you; don’t touch the fucking thing; the police have no interest in seeing your kick-ass lighter that looks like a Smith & Wesson.
If you are approached by a policeman while walking, do the following:
Stop walking, we cannot stress this hard enough: the police are not interested in seeing how fast you can run, they are not scouts for the NBA or NFL.
Comply with the officer, don’t be a dick. If you are a dick and just can’t help it, then you are going to have to look up the word ‘comply’, and do your best from there.
If you have drugs on you, just tell them; chances are they will just throw them away, AGAIN IF YOU NEED TO PLEASE GO BACK AND READ STEP ONE. Do what’s in step one figure:1 not figure: 2!!
Don’t be all froggy, if you look nervous chances are you look guilty as a mother fucker even if you didn’t do anything. Just relax, the police are trying to keep everyone safe, they’re aren’t looking to pick on perfectly good people.
Rules subject to change depending on the ‘thug life’ factor. Void where prohibited by law. Not to be used in the following:
MD, MS, FL, AL, (pretty much anywhere south of New York and west of Pennsylvania)