South Boston mans ‘Time Machine’ has some issues
South Boston- Mike O’Fritzysullivan has been working on his time machine for the past decade, and was eager to show the Beantown Beatdown how it worked. “It’s still in the early stages of development, so at this point, I can only travel back 10 minutes. I will demonstrate.”
O’Fritzysullivan, or O’Fritzysully for short, cut a nasty fart at 12:10 PM and then hopped into the time machine. A series of noises came from inside, then the room lights dimmed almost as if there was a power outage.
O’Fritzysully came out of the rear portal, the time on the machine’s clock blinking 12:00 PM; despite five minutes having passed according to my estimates. O’Fritzysully asked me to take a whiff and let him know what odor I detected. “I don’t smell a thing,” was my reply. “Well,” he said, “we are now ten minutes in the past, so the fart hasn’t happened yet.
That is why you don’t smell it. I actually sharted when I cut that beefeater, but look – my underwear is spotless.” I turned down his offer to peer down at his skid marks. O’Fritzysully provided another demonstration whereupon he bashed himself in the head with a hammer, then got in the machine.
When he exited he indicated that his head, since we were now in the past, did not hurt, as the blow hadn’t occurred yet. However, O’Fritzysully was unable to explain how I, having never entered the machine, was somehow in the same time space continuum as he was, despite the fact he was supposedly time traveling and I was not.
Nor was he able to account for the blood streaming down the side of his head, the hammer mark on his temple, or the numerous utility company vehicles working on the power lines outside. Nor could he explain the fact that he was slurring his speech and was suddenly referring to himself as Mike O’Sullivanfritzy.