We’ve got a Piper down

We’ve got a piper down, I repeat a piper is down!


 

Today we mourn the passing of Rowdy Roddy Piper, who died of cardiac arrest at the age of 61.

He will forever be known for his glasses that could see zombies that appear human. Rowdy is survived by his wife, Angrily Piper, and two children Rambunctious Piper and Raging Piper; all of whom are in anger management classes. Continue reading

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Singer/Songwriter Ed Sheeran: I wrote songs about shitting myself

Ed Sheeran admits that he too has faced the cruel consequences of trusting farts


 

British singer and songwriter Ed Sheeran has stated that he ‘trusted one too many farts’ and that he shit himself onstage. The incident sparked his interest in writing the songs I’m a mess, Even my dad does sometimes and, Don’t; All of which are about shit farting or sharting as its known. Continue reading

Possible pedophile pummeled by police

Man with poor naming skills beaten by police


 

Morris Chasen was dragged off his boat in the Boston Harbor yesterday and thrashed by police until he was virtually unconscious. Continue reading

Local zoo makes remarkable discovery

Franklin Park Zoo discovers a problem with its breeding program


 

Boston Massachusetts Zoologist Mike Greenberg has a heavy burden of trying to save species that are labeled “threatened” or “endangered “; one such
species is the Polar Bear. Continue reading

First ever reported reincarnated Muslim speaks out

Are Muslims tricking themselves?


 

Beantown Exclusive:

Ameribad Afghanistan- Mohammad Ahmed Bin Al Kuwaitaminute, is speaking of his recent near death experience and the afterlife. Continue reading

The best things to do in Boston

The Bostonian’s Guide to Sight-Seeing Boston

Whether you are planning a family vacation to Boston or just planning on spending the day, here are some of the best things you should do while in the city.

Boston Museum of Fine Arts

Museum of Fine Arts

This museum has a veritable treasure trove of fine paintings and sculptures. Unfortunately, the staff is real uptight about customers touching any of the shit they got in there. We understand to a point why they don’t want us unscrewing a frame and taking down a Matisse so we could pass it around for a closer gander, but even the sculptures are off-limits! We tried grabbing a fistful of stone boob, and humping the leg of a marble goddess, the staff went nuts. Way over the top for an exhibit with the word ‘ass’ right in the title. (Picasso). We asked for our money back, the museum is pretty uptight about the refund policy as well. Enter at your own risk.

Directions:

When you arrive in Boston you will find numerous kiosks that have the words ‘Tourist information’ written on them. Stop at one of these and grab a map, locate your current whereabouts, then look for the Museum Of Fine Arts somewhere on the map.

Visit the New England Aquarium:

The New England Aquarium

 What to do at the aquarium:

Take a survey:

There are numerous people who will ask for just five minutes of your time to complete a short survey or petition.

Wait in line to pay for tickets: click here for a coupon

A favorite of families is the hour-long wait to purchase overpriced tickets to enter the aquarium, where you get to wait in another line to see fish.

Experts tip: you can see the seals outside for free, There is a seal tank located outside the aquarium that is free save yourself a couple hundred dollars and do that. Your children won’t know the difference.

Go on a whale watching trip:

Buy your tickets and you’re on your way on a magical voyage through Boston harbor and into Stellwagen Bank wildlife sanctuary, home to numerous species of whales, dolphins, and seals. It is considered one of the best locations in the northeast to go deep-sea fishing for its bounty of fish.

 Experts Tip: bring your earplugs, most of the people on these tours have no sea legs and will be upchucking their lunch all over the boat before it leaves the dock.

Directions:

From 93 south go over the Zakim Bridge, go into the tunnel. Take first exit on your right. When you exit the tunnel find a place to park. Walk towards the ocean.

Hint: keep your back towards the big buildings, walk the opposite direction.

Visit the North End:

Bostons North End

The North End of Boston is considered one of the best places for Italian food in New England. There are several world-renowned restaurants in this small neighborhood.

          What to do in the North End:

Take in a carnival or parade:

Boston’s North End has a carnival or parade just about every day, enjoy!

Eat dinner:

It’s such a wonderful thing to wait over an hour to eat food that will exit your body in forty-five minutes, visit some restaurants and mangiare, mangiare!

Buy some desserts from Modern Pastry or Mike’s Pastry:

People wait in line for this shit like there’s no tomorrow. You can visit one or both, they are located about 150 feet apart, just look for the line of fat people who resemble cows entering a slaughterhouse.

Experts tip: don’t open any doors that say ‘social club’, you might find yourself in a mafia hangout.

Directions:

You can walk there from the aquarium, don’t be lazy.

Visit Fenway Park:

fenway

Enjoy the scenery from one of America’s oldest ballparks, noted for having the worst bathrooms in the majors.  Currently the team is also one of the worst in the American League.  Fun for the entire family.  Play interactive games such as ‘Which is worse?’   Compare sitting on a toilet in the hell hole bathroom while drunks pound on your stall door, to the agony of sitting in the park watching the Red Sox get hammered by yet another opponent.

Directions:

A spectator has 2 choices.  Drive up Storrow Drive and park near the ballpark for 55 dollars. On your return, enjoy the sights of Boston while sitting in your car waiting for inebriated morons to come out of the bars at 2AM so you can finally exit the lot.  Or park two miles from the stadium for free, then put your life on the line walking through the Fens while creeps and perverts size you up from behind trees and bushes.

Shops at Faneuil Hall

fanuiel

Ever walk through a mall and wonder how those carts in the middle of the walking area possibly make enough money to survive? Imagine thousand of those carts crammed into one narrow building, and then shoehorn a thousand sweating, hungry people into the building and you have a shopping experience like no other.  A pick pocketer’s paradise, Faneuil Hall has carts with food, clothing, bejeweled junk the likes you would see after stumbling off a cruise ship in the Azores, and souvenirs up the ying yang.  And because it’s so crowded, you can’t help but make eye contact with the cart owners, forcing you into bartering conversations with these slimy snake oil salesmen.  Bring plenty of money, because ‘no’ is not an acceptable answer at the Hall, and bring recent photos of your kids, because you will lose track of them at some point.

Directions:
Follow the smell of fish and rotting vegetables until you get to the alley on State Street.  Then walk towards the phony Vietnam ‘Veterans’ in their late teens begging for money on a cobblestone street.

Boston Harbor Cruises

harbor cruise

Tour the harbor on a speedboat or a ferry, and enjoy the pungent smells of fecal waste from the citizens of nearby towns such as Revere.  The Harbor Commission boasts that the water is 60 percent cleaner than it was 20 years ago, thanks to the Clean Harbor Act.  This is similar to someone claiming they wiped their ass twice last week, once with their bare hand.

Directions:
Follow the smell of dysentery mixed with saltwater and boat fumes.

Paul Revere House

Pauls house

Tour the house where Paul Revere ate, slept, ate and shat.  Re-enact his famous ride, only instead of on a horse, from your choice of a Boston Duck Boat or a Buick Skylark.  Modernize the trip by shouting, “Isis is coming, Isis is coming!”  Good family fun.

Directions:
The Paul Revere House is located in the North End of Boston.  Find your current location on your smart phone, then Google Paul Revere’s house.

Franklin Park Zoo

Franklin Park Zoo
Franklin Park Zoo
This zoo was made famous by the incredibly successful Hollywood blockbuster film ‘The Zookeeper’ starring Oscar-winning actor Koko the gorilla, and the guy from ‘King of Queens.’ Enjoy a nice stroll through the park; look at all the animals sleeping or hiding behind large rocks as they lick their diseases. Have you ever wondered to yourself ‘how the hell is the West Nile virus in the United States?’ Visit the zoo and you’ll find out. There are numerous exotic animals and birds that will take a shit on you or urinate at you from close range.   Babies are their favorite targets.. Enjoy the sights, smells, diseases, and smells of Africa right here in Boston.

Directions:

Take interstate 93 to the JFK/ Morrissey Boulevard exit. Follow the signs for beautiful Dorchester, travel through Upham’s
Corner and the park will be about a mile straight ahead.

Bonus points if you make it without being shot in a gang war while driving through Dorchester.

Boston Children’s Museum

childrens museum

Essentially an indoor playground, only safer since pedophiles don’t want to pay 10 dollars to gawk at kids when they can do it in public for free.  The museum is replete with boring games and dumb exhibits.  My son was fascinated with the H2O exhibit, which showed how water flows in certain directions, based on gravitational pull.  Eventually he realized he missed his mother, and I was able to pry him away from the men’s toilet stall.

Click here for a valuable coupon
Directions:

If you have children, drive over the bridge towards the Seaport, and look for a dumpy looking red sign attached to a shack.  If you are bereft of kids and want to visit the museum, follow the directions below and then check back with the museum in 9 months.

Men: Remove pants and shove the penis tip into the would be mother’s vagina.  Squish it around in there till you feel a popping sensation, followed by a tremendous urge to sleep.  Repeat every few hours.

Women:  Pull up dress, and allow the male’s penis to enter your snatch.  Rock back and forth for several seconds until you are moist.  At that point, he will be done.  Any further pleasure can be derived with a vibrator device.

The Swan Boats

swan boats

There is nothing, and we mean nothing that screams ‘I’m here, I’m queer, so just deal with it’ like a ride around a pond in a 20 foot boat shaped like a swan. People have been going ape-shit for these things since the 1800’s. This is probably the worst thing to do in Boston right behind heroin and slightly ahead of crystal meth.

Directions:

From Provincetown: Hop in your hot red Mazda Miata and hit route 6 south to route 3 north, when you start feeling ‘uncomfortable’ with the diversity of the surroundings, chances are you’re close; you are really close if you think you might get egged asking for directions.

From Ogunquit: Hop in your bright yellow V.W. Bug or Mazda Miata and hit 95 south, to 93 south. After you go over ‘that bridge you’ve seen in the movies’ get off the highway.

Fun parks not fun for some

Fat people getting the shaft at theme parks?

A New Hampshire theme park is taking some heat after what some are calling ‘Public shaming’ incidents. The park, which has not given us permission to publish their name but, we can say it rhymes with ‘Shanobi Blake’ has been accused of making obese people wait in line for a ride, then as they are about to start the ride announce ‘We are sorry but you are too fat to ride this attraction.’ Local heifer Fred Gammon said, “listen I paid the $40.00 to get into this place, now I can’t have the slightest bit of fun, its fucking ridiculous!” another fat piece of shit that was in attendance said she understands the safety concerns but maybe the park could go about it differently saying, “I understand the safety aspect but they made announcements over a loudspeaker that I was too fat to ride, couldn’t they just have someone standing there with a stick like the ones they use to see if you are tall enough but hold them sideways to see if you are too wide to ride.” A petition has been drafted calling on the park to have the turnstiles adjusted so that if a patron’s waist can’t fit through it then they can’t enter the park.

Public service announcement regarding officer involved shootings

How to NOT get shot by the police

As the nation is struggling with a rash of police shootings, some of which involve unarmed, innocent black men sneaking up on and then whaling the shit out of armed cops, we here at the Beantown Beatdown have compiled the following story in an effort to keep everyone safe.

If you get pulled over:

image

Step one:

Pull your vehicle to the side of the road as soon as it is safe to do so and remain seated.  Jumping outside the car and flailing your arms in disbelief that you got pulled over by “you communistic pig assholes”  is a great way to take a bullet in the face.

Step two:

Have your window rolled down.

Turn your fucking music down, the police aren’t interested in hearing ‘fuck the police’ by NWA while trying to do their jobs.

Place your hands on the steering wheel and in plain sight.

Step three:
Start the conversation with, ‘Hello officer’ not ‘What the fuck’s the problem?’
Step four:
If you happen to have anything that looks like a gun in or around you; don’t touch the fucking thing; the police have no interest in seeing your kick-ass lighter that looks like a Smith & Wesson.

If you are approached by a policeman while walking, do the following:

Figure:1 calmly speak to he police
Figure:1 calmly speak to he police

Step one:
Stop walking, we cannot stress this hard enough: the police are not interested in seeing how fast you can run, they are not scouts for the NBA or NFL.

Figure 2: don't do this, this guys gonna have a bad day if her lives
Figure 2: don’t do this, this guys gonna have a bad day if he lives

Step two:
Comply with the officer, don’t be a dick.  If you are a dick and just can’t help it, then you are going to have to look up the word ‘comply’, and do your best from there.

Step three:
If you have drugs on you, just tell them; chances are they will just throw them away, AGAIN IF YOU NEED TO PLEASE GO BACK AND READ STEP ONE. Do what’s in step one figure:1 not figure: 2!!

Step four:
Don’t be all froggy, if you look nervous chances are you look guilty as a mother fucker even if you didn’t do anything. Just relax,  the police are trying to keep everyone safe, they’re aren’t looking to pick on perfectly good people.
Additional notes:

Rules subject to change depending on the ‘thug life’ factor. Void where prohibited by law. Not to be used in the following:
MD, MS, FL, AL, (pretty much anywhere south of New York and west of Pennsylvania)

Hotdog eating champions crowned

Annual hotdog eating championships held this past holiday weekend

Here’s the list of winners:

Nathan’s Hotdog Eating Championship – New York City.

Woman’s Division: 

A fierce battle erupted between Niki ‘Deep Throat’ Como and Shelly ‘Five bucks for a BJ’ Anderson, with Como prevailing.

Men’s Division:

Bruce ‘Just put the tip in’ Garrison beat off Wayne ‘I’m not gay’ Richardson in less then 5 minutes. Also he won the hotdog thing.

Kayem Hotdog Eating Championship – Boston, Massachusetts

Woman’s Division:

Peggy ‘I can go all the way to the balls’ Young took the prize over Gail ‘I like mayo on the hotdog’ Pierce.

Men’s Division:

Sammy ‘My scout leader touched me’ Vanderbilt took out Barry
‘It was college – I experimented’ Lowenstien.

Oscar Myer Wiener Invitational – Los Angeles, California

Woman’s Division:

Rain ‘I’m just putting my self through college’ Dusk beat Mary ‘Just not in the eyes’ Golddigger.

Men’s Division:

Nikita ‘Please sir can I have another’ Bistrov took the yellow from Xi ‘Me Chinese me play joke’ Nguyen.

Anorexic Division:

This was down to the wire until Shannon ‘I’m going to the bathroom, I’ll be right back’ Templeton passed out and her mouth made contact with a hotdog,making her the champion.