Purple Stew, the Boston based research team, has unearthed new evidence that drinking from a Porta Potty can cause serious health issues, including cancer, jock itch and, the gum disease that causes gingivitis.
Randall Corn, the lead investigator, had this to say. “Not only do those things contain a vicious amount of human waste, but the purple liquid that looks and smells like grape soda is lethal for a human to drink. Drinking from a regular toilet is not great either,” he continued, “but your odds of living are much greater than if you were to jab a straw into one of those purple cesspools of death.” We asked Randall the obvious question hanging over the conversation. ‘Who is drinking out of a Porta Potty or a toilet?’ Randall replied, “A great question,” he said. “There are four major Porta Potty companies in the U.S., and we didn’t find any of their liquids were able to quench a human’s thirst in any way. If anything, the subject became thirstier. A person would be much better off drinking a bottle of water or purchasing a can of soda. Sure the sugar is going to rot your teeth out, but at least you aren’t drinking human shit mixed with poisons!” Randall pointed out another issue; that of people tipping over Porta Potties when folks are inside them. He gave us his solution. “The Porta Potties are not heavy enough when they arrive on site, and that is when most of them are tipped, early in the day. We have recommended to all the companies that the Potties arrive already filled with a minimum of 200 pounds of urine and shit, thereby making those plastic huts of horrors much harder to tip.”
Related: FDA urging companies to refer to urinal cakes as piss pods, citing numerous fatalities in the Polish community.
Not at all related: New study: Five out of every four Americans are horrible at mathematics.