NOAA Finds long lost civilization off east coast
Scientists with N.O.A.A. have located a lost civilization off the east coast of the U.S.
According to lead anthropologist Tom Dikanary, the site is located approximately 10 nautical miles from the coast of Virginia. Dikanary and other crew members of the research vessel Mading Aling, were extremely annoyed with the discovery. Dikanary, citing artifacts retrieved from the site, mostly rusty cans and old truck parts, as being from the long lost and often fabled East Virginia. Dikanary said, “What I can tell you is this, with the amount of old Mountain Dew cans, rusted lawn chairs and, Ford parts strewn across the site, this is most definitely East Virginia. Back around 1974 East Virginia slipped off the coast and submerged into the Atlantic.” When asked why no one has ever found the area or heard the story before, Dikanary simply said, “Well, as it’s just a bunch of illiterate, white trash Virginians, no one really gave a fuck; hell we weren’t even looking for it.” The ship’s captain, Rodger Obvious, who has made a career out of useless discoveries in the past, likened this to some of his other lowlights. “I remember the day I discovered where the lap goes once a person is standing, why the pee shoots in three directions every morning, but never at night, and the time I took that now famous picture of the bear shitting in the woods.”
Related: Virginia governor promises to pass bill to re-name state. He said, “Folks are confusing the name of the state with the word vagina, so we gotta do something before these idiots bang any more holes in the state maps. I pulled a highway map off the rack at 7 Eleven the other day, darn thing was covered in DNA; it looked like someone hit it with a frosting bag. Plus whenever we tell people around here we are from Virginia, they always say, “We all come from one of those smelly ass things, but where do you live?”