St. Louis Cardinals investigated for hacking

Beantown Beatdown

St. Louis Cardinals accused of hacking into Houston Astro data base, Federal Authorities are investigating.

The St. Louis Cardinals are being investigated by the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the CIA, NAACP, AARP and Homeland Security. Beantown has launched its own investigation and this is what we can tell you so far based on hearsay and conjecture. At the very epicenter of this investigation is recent new hire, Sum Ting Wong, a Chinese national. In a whopping 100 page speculation of the incident; here are some chilling, sneaking suspicions. Wong was sent to St. Louis on a mission of espionage from the Chinese government; his mission: steal the launch codes. St. Louis was chosen due to the fact that they have a player named Kolten Wong. Sum Ting, by simply wearing the Wong jersey, was able to enter the offices of the Cardinals organization and hop onto any computer he wanted to. “We thought he was playing Minecraft,” said an assistant GM, who refused to answer the question, ‘How could Kolten Wong be building fake cities in the St. Louis offices at the very same time Kolten Wong was turning a double play indowntown Milwaukee Wisconsin? In an unfortunate or fortunate twist, his handlers thought he would be able to hack into the U.S. Space program as they believed Houston was the launch command center for the U.S. Further imagination on our part indicated that the Chinese word for rocket and Astro have the same meaning. Wong was very successful in hacking what he thought to be the location of the “launch codes,” but his handlers became suspicious when the intel he provided failed to meet the criteria for a launch sequence. Wong sent numerous codes back to China including, RBI, OBP, ERA and other meaningless information. At this point his handlers within the Chinese government actually called the Feds to have him brought down citing, “Sum Ting Wong, doing sumting sirry, you need check him out, he in St.Rouis.”

Notorious Chinese spy, Sum Timg Wong
Notorious Chinese spy, Sum Ting Wong

Stay with Beantown for more speculation on this case as it develops.


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