Red Sox manager to make sweeping changes to team

Beantown Beatdown

The Red Sox are struggling this season, and Manager John Farrell is going to make changes starting with today’s game vs the Atlanta Braves.

Farrell’s approach will be fairly straightforward. Play guys who don’t suck. The Beantown Beatdown stat machine shows that the more sucky guys you have on the field at once, the worse results you get. Farrell, who has been playing sucky players all season, is going to pull a 180 and sit his shit asses. Construction is currently underway to lengthen the wooden bench in the dugout. We asked the manager how he felt these players would receive the news. “I expect them to handle it like professionals, even though based on their stats they are actually amateurs.”

Longtime Red Sox DH David Ortiz is one of the players not performing up to the level one would expect from a former steroid abuser. Another player who has struggled is Pablo Sandoval, a rotund third baseman who is the only player in MLB history whose weight is higher than his combined slugging percentage, OPS, height and batting average. A rival scout says this of Sandoval. “He’s a big turd. When I watch him play, I get hungry. He runs the bases like he’s got a load in his ass; plus he smells and his tits are bigger than my wife’s. Why would you sign a guy who has the word sandal in his last name? Who wears sandals? Big fat lazy beach bums. Who else you bringing in, Jose Floungechair? Mike Chammock? Billy O’Sellulite?”


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