Marcie Straight, a Chelsea homemaker found strange bits of a chunky substance in the soup she was making for her weekly Sunday dinner.
“At first I thought they were just some ceiling asbestos chunks that often fall into the pot,” said Marcie as she pushed her hair back and revealed numerous golf ball sized tumors on her forehead. “But then I noticed it had a different texture so I was curious what it was. I called my brother who is a Chelsea police officer, and got him out of bed at around 7:30pm. He came over, ate a bowl, drank several beers then put his siren on and ran the substance down to the crime lab.” Robert Crathup of the Crime Lab said, “It was a DNA match to Jimmy Hoffa, the teamster boss whose disappearance in 1975 has baffled our investigators for decades. We are not sure what part of Jimmy was in Mrs. Straight’s soup, it appeared to be genitalia, but my taste buds are not the best when it comes to human cadavers.” Using this clue, the FBI is now pouring through soup cans and various kitchens and bread lines around the neighborhood. “We think he is most likely dead,” said Crathup as he spat out what appeared to be a human nut, “but based on what we have to go on, we will assume he is walking around, completely dickless, with burn marks on his crotch from the hot soup. Our best men are on it.” For the current time, local residents are being asked to eat solids only.