In Game two of the Stanley Cup Finals, Ben Bishop made an abrupt exit from the net. We found out later he had explosive diarrhea.
“It will be interesting to see how this plays out,” said Ben Shitley, a foremost expert on defecation. “It could be a case of nerves, a bad stomach, or maybe his rectum just acts up in big games. Whatever the case may be, I’ll be watching his ass very closely for the remainder of the series. I’ll be looking for splotches of discoloration in the rear of the pants, or any sign of discomfort. Playing goalie is a very uncomfortable job, given the weight of the equipment and the cumbersome pads. If his ass acts up during the match, he will probably have a tremendous urge to scratch the area, and wipe away any run off from the watery brown discharge. Good luck doing the splits when all that is going on. This could lead to other more serious problems such as a smelly crease, the sharts, or God forbid, rusty skate syndrome. A lot of athletes shit themselves during competitions; however they are able to mask it by shrugging it off and continuing to play at a high level. I was trackside when Secretariat ran his famous Belmont race. The big fella was dropping shit biscuits and farting up a storm. That’s why all the other horses fell back so far. Sec wasn’t running faster, the others were slowing down! Some trainers think these animals should not be allowed to run without a butt plug inserted in their sphincter . Another example was Wilt Chamberlain when he scored 100 points in 1962. No one wanted to go near him, he stunk to high hell. He shit his pants five times that day, once on a layup when a five foot tall guard was standing under the hoop wondering if it was raining. When the US won gold in synchronized swimming in 1984, the cleanup crew needed sixteen nets to pick up all floaters left in the pool. Ben Bishop’s decision to leave the ice for the safe confines of the toilet seat was a very risky move, he showed his hand big time,” said Shitley.