Loser from Stoneham sets sights on summer

Stoneham native and friendless loser John Balzareichty hopes his new purchase will increase his odds at landing some company this summer.

Balzareichty, whose Facebook page boasts an unprecedented minus-three friends and includes a never before seen ‘hate’ button, took some drastic measures by recently installing a swimming pool, hoping to entice prospective pals. He stated that, “If it’s hot, people want to be cool, so with this pool in, by default I become cool.” His life has always been full of disappointment though; through twelve years of schooling and an additional four years of college Balzareichty has not been able to secure a single friend. His sworn enemies number in the thousands. He added, “I was sure as shit that once I got this Facebook thing the requests would be off the hook, when none came in I personally called Facebook to see if I set it up correctly, they told me I did but wouldn’t engage in any of my pleasantries, they also deactivated my account on numerous occasions thinking I was dead.” On a recent warm day we saw Mr. Balzareichty skimming his pool with numerous onlookers but, no takers. We reached out to his neighbor Sam Hatchett who said, “Personally I can’t stand the guy, but I have a feeling on blazing hot August days I’ll be backstroking all over that pool.” He added, “It would have to be really nice out though.” Some of the other methods Mr. Balzareichty ┬áhas used to attempt friendships were purchasing a boat, renting a kick-ass bouncy house and spending thousands on fireworks. We plan on checking in with him after Labor Day to see if his idea paid off.


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