Charles Bittersworth, of 1275 South Main Street died Sunday after complications of contemplating.
Mr Bittersworth was extremely curious if the mayonnaise in his refrigerator was still good after he had already made a turkey and Swiss on marble rye. At approximately 8:30pm he noticed the murderous condiment and wondered if it was still fresh. At first he decided it probably wasn’t and returned it to the fridge where he apparently keeps his other molding, rotting items. Then he thought maybe it was but still opted not to use it, his third pondering was his fatal mistake. “He apparently spread a fair amount of the malicious mayo on his sandwich, then ate it,” said Randy Dufus, the emergency department physician who was attending to Mr. Bittersworth. “Shortly after he ingested the meat and dairy concoction, he developed a severe stomach ache; after about ten minutes he called 911 to report he was shit-farting all over his house. Soon after he lost consciousness and emergency responders arrived.”
This is the second condiment fatality in as many weeks; last week a Canton teenager was pronounced dead after ingesting what he thought was piccalilli, but turned out to be bad relish.
Transcript of 911 call:
Operator: “911 – what’s your emergency?”
Mr. Bittersworth: “Yeah rescue person I think I ate some bad mayo, there’s
Operator: “Sir you need to calm down.”
Operator: “Sir, I have crews responding to your house, stay with me.”
Mr. Bittersworth: “I think … I think I’m gonna pass the fuck out!”
Operator: “Sir, sir, can you hear me?”
Operator: “97- echo-3, step up your response, code 3, 1275 South Main for a