A study by the Eros Institute in Cambridge has provided fascinating insight into the ability of folks with one testicle.
Daniel Sturridge-Cohen, a lab tech at the firm, said on Wednesday that the study proved that the subjects, all men, were able to ejaculate their sperm at a higher velocity and greater distance than subjects who had two testicles. Men who still had their left testicle had an even great advantage. “Our reasoning for the greater distance,” stated Sturridge-Cohen, who lost an eye during the four month trial, “is similar to that of a person who loses hearing in one ear. The other ear compensates for it and the hearing capability increases in that ear. Ergo, the singular teste, or ball, or pud as it were in street lingo, is enhanced in vitality so it exceeds the thrust of a normal ball. In terms of the left nut advantages, that goes to the saying ‘suck my left one.’ No one ever says suck the right one too, or suck both my balls, or don’t forget the one on the right; it just doesn’t sound right. We ask for the left one to be sucked only. We believe the brain takes that saying literally, and boosts the amount of semen in the left teste in preparation for it getting sucked on by said requestor. The brain is a powerful tool as we know; so over time and from the repetition of the phrase, the left testicle becomes the dominant testicle.”
The Institute plans to begin its next experiment as soon as the cleaners finish hosing down the lab data from this recent experiment. The next study, according to Jennifer C. Litoris is going to focus on how long perishable foods can last when stored inside a woman’s vagina. “My guess is not very long,” said Jennifer as she ate a handful of Triscuits that looked like they’d been left to rot under a jellyfish.