Malden man molest woman in t-shirt misread

In what is being dubbed a simple matter of illiteracy, a Malden man may get off after attempting to mount a pregnant woman in the corner booth at Blimpies.

According to Jason Foster Dulles’ attorney, Mitchell Hugklye, his client was simply following orders. The pregnant woman in question, Julie Bustinhimen of Medford, has been prancing about town in a T-shirt that reads, ‘Due in June.’ The shirts are quite popular amongst the pregnant crowd. “Jason is partially illiterate,” stated his attorney. “He can read and understand some street signs, the word free, several cartoons, and the directions on a can of whipped cream. So he interpreted the shirt to mean, wait till June, then do this woman. My client actually wanted to do her much earlier when her ass wasn’t so huge, but he was trying to be polite. He felt by June her stomach could very well block his entry, but he waited; then when he saw her enter the Blimpies on the morning of June 1, he put a condom on, scarfed down 14 Viagra to compensate for her appearance, and then went at her in the booth while flipping through a magazine of some really hot women. Customers witnessing the scene pulled Mr. Dulles off the pregnant woman and then ran off with the magazine. Those who stayed were awarded 10 percent off coupons from the Blimpies’ staff.


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