Please be safe this Fourth of July
As we approach the celebration of our country’s independence, we here at The Beantown Beatdown want you to please consider the following safety tips:
Cookout Do’s and Don’ts
Do: Have a nice celebration with your family and friends.
Don’t : Leave anyone off the list, fuck it you’re celebrating and you’re not just celebrating your kid’s preschool graduation here, you’re celebrating the birth of a nation. Invite everyone – people you don’t even know. Fuck it, invite members of Isis and the local Islamist cults, throw them all in the mix. Invite your friends’ girlfriends from high school so they can mingle with his new wife. I mean it’s a blank slate here, get everyone over to your cookout.
Do: Cook a shit load of food; hell we’re inviting the whole country.
Don’t: Forget to buy a boatload of beer, wine, weed, and Xanax. Leave a bag of shrooms next to the power tools. Add whatever you can to the mix of celebratory atmosphere.
Do: Keep track of your personal belongings; people will probably try to rob you blind.
Don’t: Risk your health just for potato salad, it’s not worth it.
Do: Get you and everyone you know completely shitfaced, then take a nice scenic ride. If you get pulled over, remove the steering wheel and toss it into the road. They can no longer prove anyone was driving.
Fireworks Do’s and Don’ts
Do: Drive up to New Hampshire or down to Connecticut where it’s legal to buy fireworks. You should spend at least two weeks pay for a really fun 15 minute party.
Don’t: Try buying fireworks in Massachusetts as all we sell are stupid ass sparklers and thunder snaps.
Do: Have a wicked kick-ass Roman candle fight. Tons of fun, aim for each other’s private parts or eyeballs. Tell the recently blinded people to stop bitching; they can still enjoy the ‘sounds’ of the 4th of July. Then hold a pack of bottle rockets up to their ears and blast them into the non hearing world. Blow one up inside someone’s anus and watch shit go everywhere.
Don’t: Read the warnings on the packaging.
The labeling on fireworks make them wicked lame if you follow them. For a way better time, do the complete opposite of the suggestions. If you see a diagram with an X thru it, do the act. Then explain to the dead person’s family, “I thought that meant it was going to be wicked EX-cellent?”
Do: Let your kids throw a couple M-80s. Hey let the kids have a little fun. Just start off small; blow up a frog, proceed to a cat, then detonate a large dog – tons of fun. Cut down several trees and start a bonfire. Burn the dead animal carcasses before PETA arrives on site.