Famous Milbury shoe used to beat Ranger fan found on dead homeless guy

Mike Milbury’s Fight shoe turns up in California

Los Angles- A photo from a crime scene in Los Angeles has led to a startling discovery. In the background one can clearly see a dead homeless guy wearing the famous shoe that Mike Milbury used in 1979 when he climbed into the stands and beat a fan at Madison Square Garden in New York City. Continue reading

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Fourth of July safety tips

Please be safe this Fourth of July

As we approach the celebration of our country’s independence, we here at The Beantown Beatdown want you to please consider the following safety tips:

Cookout Do’s and Don’ts

Do: Have a nice celebration with your family and friends.

Don’t : Leave anyone off the list, fuck it you’re celebrating and you’re not just celebrating your kid’s preschool graduation here, you’re celebrating the birth of a nation. Invite everyone – people you don’t even know. Fuck it, invite members of Isis and the local Islamist cults, throw them all in the mix. Invite your friends’ girlfriends from high school so they can mingle with his new wife. I mean it’s a blank slate here, get everyone over to your cookout.

Do: Cook a shit load of food; hell we’re inviting the whole country.

Don’t: Forget to buy a boatload of beer, wine, weed, and Xanax. Leave a bag of shrooms next to the power tools. Add whatever you can to the mix of celebratory atmosphere.

Do: Keep track of your personal belongings; people will probably try to rob you blind.

Don’t: Risk your health just for potato salad, it’s not worth it.

Do: Get you and everyone you know completely shitfaced, then take a nice scenic ride. If you get pulled over, remove the steering wheel and toss it into the road. They can no longer prove anyone was driving.

Fireworks Do’s and Don’ts

Do: Drive up to New Hampshire or down to Connecticut where it’s legal to buy fireworks. You should spend at least two weeks pay for a really fun 15 minute party.

Don’t: Try buying fireworks in Massachusetts as all we sell are stupid ass sparklers and thunder snaps.

Do: Have a wicked kick-ass Roman candle fight. Tons of fun, aim for each other’s private parts or eyeballs. Tell the recently blinded people to stop bitching; they can still enjoy the ‘sounds’ of the 4th of July. Then hold a pack of bottle rockets up to their ears and blast them into the non hearing world. Blow one up inside someone’s anus and watch shit go everywhere.

Don’t: Read the warnings on the packaging.
The labeling on fireworks make them wicked lame if you follow them. For a way better time, do the complete opposite of the suggestions. If you see a diagram with an X thru it, do the act. Then explain to the dead person’s family, “I thought that meant it was going to be wicked EX-cellent?”

Do: Let your kids throw a couple M-80s. Hey let the kids have a little fun. Just start off small; blow up a frog, proceed to a cat, then detonate a large dog – tons of fun. Cut down several trees and start a bonfire. Burn the dead animal carcasses before PETA arrives on site.

 

 

Boston Bruins make some drastic trades

Beantown Beatdown

The Boston Bruins have made three interesting trades today. The team is coming off of its worst season in years, where they failed to make the postseason. Here are the trades that were conducted today:

Milan Lucic – Traded to LA Kings for Goalie Martin Jones, Colin Jones, three CCM hockey sticks, and two Styrofoam souvenir fingers. The Bruins wanted to trade Lucic for as many Jones’s as they could get, and since the only teams with three or more Jones play in the NBA, the Kings made the most sense.

Dougie Hamilton – Traded to the Calgary Flames for three draft picks and an autograph of Willie Nelson. The Bruins, knowing that they tend to suck at drafting, (For examples, Google the words ‘Bruins-draft picks’) want to increase their odds of not screwing up by obtaining as many picks as they can. When asked what they are looking for in this years draft, GM Don Sweeney said, “Guys named Jones.”

Carl Soderberg – Allowed to walk so he could sign with the Colorado Avalanche. The money saved will be used to purchase lifts for diminutive GM Don Sweeney’s shoes, and two pounds of premium weed. When asked who in the front office smokes weed, a red eyed, cotton mouthed Sweeney replied, “I drive a truck! It’s red.”

Chelsea Resident Tom Pickins not happy about Confederate Flag debate.

Beantown Beatdown

Clinton Gore

 

Add Tom Pickins of Chelsea to the list those who don’t want to see the Confederate flag taken down in South Carolina.  We were curious if he was a slave owner, but Tom denied this accusation.  “If I was a slave owner, I’d be whipping all of ya wouldn’t I?  And I’d be making cracks about watermelons and your big lips too.”  This made no sense as our entire staff is lily white, but we digress. What is upsetting Tom is the potential problems that will occur with his favorite TV show, the Dukes of Hazzard.  “I reckon they gonna have to edit the shit out of dat shit,” he said, suddenly taking on a southern drawl. “Take away the flag from the car and basically I’m just watching Knight Rider.  You don’t know it’s the south anymore, so there’s no pondering if the brothers is incestually banging their hot sister, Roscoe P. Coltrane and Boss Hogg have to have more intelligent dialogue and they gotta edit out all the car jumps cuz only a backwoods idiot would  jump a canyon.”

 

Editorial: Woman’s face to go on U.S. currency?

Beantown Beatdown

Editorial

A strong push from woman’s groups around the country, in particular the Society of Bitches in Boston, has succeeded in forcing the government to put a woman’s face on a denomination of U.S. currency. Continue reading

Tourette’s Society holding annual fucking cookout

Beantown Beatdown

upcoming events

The Tourette’s Society of Greater Boston is holding its annual cookout this weekend at Castle Island in South Boston. more fucking story

Beantown Investigators on scene of a four alarm hissy fit

Beantown Beatdown

Danvers- Investigators with the Beantown’s MILF detection department were at a Chuck E. Cheese’s today as a full fledged four alarm hissy fit broke out.

 

 

Look at this rat bastard
Look at this rat bastard
Beantown Beatdowns MILF Detection unit
Beantown Beatdowns MILF Detection unit

Continue reading

Tiger Woods, a nasty case of the blue balls?

Beantown Beatdown

Tiger Woods is stinking out the joint at the 2015 U.S. Open. He shot an 80 yesterday, which means pretty soon, he’s going to have to start requesting everyday hackers like us to sign his score card just so he can keep his tour membership. Continue reading

Study: Porta Potties found to cause serious health issues

Beantown Beatdown

Purple Stew, the Boston based research team, has unearthed new evidence that drinking from a Porta Potty can cause serious health issues, including cancer, jock itch and, the gum disease that causes gingivitis. Continue reading

Long lost civilization found

Beantown Beatdown

NOAA Finds long lost civilization off east coast 

Scientists with N.O.A.A. have located a lost civilization off the east coast of the U.S. Continue reading