A Medford woman with severe gastritis and chronic diarrhea is making the most of her situation.
“My gas is pouring out of my ass at such a rate I am unable to do anything about it, so I decided to begin farting into my gas tank just to see what would happen,” said Brenda Stayne, a part time bank teller and mother of three. “At first nothing happened, just a lot of stained pants and trips to the dry cleaner. I think the car was just not used to the new fuel type, but then I began to notice that I was fucking flying down the street n’ shit wicked fast. People were yelling, “Slow down,” everywhere I’d go and you could smell the fumes from way down the street. We asked Brenda if that was the result of her farts, or just because she was pressing down on the gas pedal really hard? “It has to be the farts,” she explained. “I never went this fast before. I used to go like thirty miles an hour before I started fueling with farts. Cars run on gas, farts are a form of gas. It’s all in the science,” stated Brenda as she cupped her hands around her stinkpipe and then fed the invisible fumes into her Corolla. I need to be careful though; recently I trusted one too many farts and sharted. Clogged up the fuel filter something fierce. My mechanic wouldn’t go near the thing; had to take the smelly heap to a plumber.”We asked Brenda if her gas mileage had improved since she began breaking wind and defecating into her tank. “Gas mileage? You think I got an odometer strapped to my ass cheeks or sumtin? Hop in, I’ll show you what you can do with your fucking gas mileage!”