MORE BREAKING DEFLATEGATE NEWS: Tom Brady to enter the NFL appeals process on a triclycle

Beantown Beatdown Exclusive

Our moles broke into the law firm of Jeffrey Kessler over the holiday weekend and uncovered some revealing evidence.

Tom Brady will make his appeal to the commissioner by becoming a sympathetic figure. Kessler, a top U.S. attorney, who declined to be interviewed by the very people who smashed his windows, knows that the mentally challenged are a group that deserve our sympathy and compassion. So Tom Brady will in essence claim that he is mentally retarded. The firm has spent the last several weeks knocking Tom on the skull , training him to drool, utter the phrase ‘adoy’, and pretend that not only does he not know how to text; he doesn’t even know what a phone is. Brady will enter the room wearing a street hockey helmet while riding on a tricycle with a large plastic basket attached to the front of it. When he gets off the bike, he will approach Goodell and begin licking him about the head and neck and referring to him as, ‘my Dada.’ He will pick Goodell up and toss him around the room like a rag doll. Later, Brady will sit across from a now bloody Goodell and play with some tiny plastic soldiers; making loud explosion noises and employing the Deflategate documents as body bags for the deceased army guys. If the league decides to uphold the four game suspension, it should prepare to face strong opposition from the mental health community.

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